Written In The Stars

Chapter Forty Four

"It's fine." It wasn't something I'd expected to hear as I stared at her twisted lips and bundled up fists. My muscles started to grow tense, expecting her to flip the table any moment now and the burning hot coffee that sat on the table to scold me.

"It doesn't seem fine," I hesitated with cautious eyes.

She stood from her seat as it scraped along the floor, hastily throwing her bag and coat around her arm before staring me dead in my eyes. "I'm going to go now. I hope you have a happy life."

She stalked towards the door with so much sass, I knew if I let things end there I would never live peacefully again. Maybe she would pay a visit to my house, smash my car windows in with a baseball bat and flatten my tires in an attempt to feel like she won this break up.

I was not about to take that risk.

"Wait, Kimmy!" I exclaimed, grunting in annoyance as I quickly paid my tab, waltzing out of there with almost everyone's eyes burning into my back.

She was no less than two feet away before she suddenly spun around, storming back towards me with determination drowning her face. "Can I just ask you one thing?"

She was wanting an explanation. I knew it.

"Yes, of course."

"Is it her?"

I froze. My lips parted as I furrowed my eyebrows. I had never expected that question. I knew who she was on about but I had no idea how to answer it. It should have been simple. It should have been no, but all I could say was,  "what?".

"Is it her? Arabella." Classic Kimmy. She knew her name, she just wanted to show how much she hated the girl.

Ever since she had met Ardella in the coffee shop, some instinct inside of her had become possessive and over protective, like I was something she had to mark her territory on. She knew Ardella and I had a past, she had stalked our socials so intrusively I was scared she might have been a part of the CIA or a hacker of some kind.

That day was not the last day she had mentioned her. Especially when she had found out Ardella was working for me, that had caused our worst fight yet in this relationship. Some thing inside of her couldn't shake her off and nothing I could say would change that.

"Ardella?" I asked, buying myself any time I could to not talk about her.

I was done with speaking about her, done with thinking about her. I wanted her out of my brain, out of my mouth and out of my life. I wanted to heal from wounds that had been left ignored for far too long.

Kimmy scoffed, her eyes rolling as she got on with her point. "Whatever. Is she the reason that your leaving me? Because you're still in love with her?"

In love with her? Why would she even say such a thing? I had done everything to prove that I wasn't in love with her anymore. Ardella had left. There was nothing else I could have done to prove that she was out of my life.

Her words kept on repeating in my brain. Over and over.

Because you're still in love with her.

Kimmy didn't know shit. She was jealous and bitter that I had loved another before I even knew her. That's all she was. She wanted me to prove her point but I wasn't about to.

She was wrong.

"And don't lie to me!" She screeched, already sensing what I was about to say. "I want the truth. You owe me that much."

"No!" I scoffed, shaking my head like she was asking something so ludicrous. "No. Don't be ridiculous. I told you that Ardella was a person of my past. She has nothing to do with this." What else could I give her to show her otherwise? What else did I have to do to escape this. I was tired. Tired of Kimmy trying to dictate my feelings, tired of her trying to force something in my mouth that I didn't want to ever say. Something that I couldn't ever say again.

"I see the way you look at her. She's in your head all the time, Emerson. I can feel it."

Because I knew that if I did. If I did say it. If the words did fall out of my lips, on accident or on purpose, to Kimmy, to Ardella or even the world, I would be lost. There was be no return for me. I knew that every ounce of care inside of me would submerge back to the surface, the intensity of bearing that kind of emotion would leave me with blisters. I would fall down the rabbit hole. And I didn't want to hurt that much again. I didn't want to blindly put my love in someone who had drowned it so slowly, so painfully, without mercy. I didn't want to have to live with the burden of love for another five years. I couldn't.

But Kimmy wouldn't stop.

"You may not want to admit it but I know. I am not stupid. You're still wrapped around her finger and I want you to tell me that I'm right. That I'm not crazy."

She harassed, she poked, she prodded, until she was too tired to carry on. She only ever had one question, she only ever needed one answer.

And she wasn't leaving until it was the one she knew was the truth. 

"Do you still love her?"

My heart was beating so loud it banged inside my ear drums. New York seemed to drop in temperature and I felt every atom of it on my skin.

"Yes."

And I had to accept that. The truth. There was no denial left inside of me anymore. The words had been spilled, the wounds had been reopened to the most painful extent. And I was drowning in it. Drowning in something I didn't know would ever make me feel whole again.

That's the thing about love.

In only comes down to one thing in the end.

It either completes you, or it destroys you in the end.