the update you've all been waiting for i'm sorry it took so long :/ it's kinda short sorry
it was finally time to leave and go back home, which was only next door- but it felt like miles. i had a bit of a sorrow feeling about me that i couldn't quite get a grasp of but i guess i'll realise on the route home.
" you okay?" timothée asks me, touching my cheek gently so i look up at him, holding the door for me to leave. i just nod pathetically and mumble a small 'yeah' under my breath. i always get like this after hook ups.
he nods and presses his lips together in a tight smile.
"okay well, text me."
he doesn't believe me. but still he gives me a soft hug and sends me on my way home, waving awkwardly as i walk away, his eyes following me until he can't see me anymore.
i felt immensely stupid walking home. i'd only known t for a few weeks and he was different, and yet i'd treated him like every other boy i've been with. it made me feel like such an idiot that i looked so easy to him! he can't know that he can have me that easily or he'll give up the chase and he'll get bored. it's a classic that boys do that i've experienced way too many times and knowing his track record, it's not going to be the last.
my parents greet me as i walk in and i shout to them in an avoidance of social interaction, running upstairs to my room.
i jump onto my bed and just lay on my back for a few minutes. what if he doesn't like me anymore? if he realises how easy i am?
it doesn't matter anyway, i enjoyed myself and it's probably too good to be true.
my phone pings and it's t.
there's a text that reads, "you promise you okay?"
i just sigh and flick the notification off to the side, so it disappears completely off of the screen and i don't have to think about it.
*********
i'd fallen asleep last night without taking off my makeup or my clothes. i have to admit i felt much better than i did last night but there was still an awful naggling feeling in my stomach.
poppy was waiting for me outside the school gates as i walked in.
"hey mrs!" she giggles, waiting for me to spill the gossip.
"well! he's very good," i wink.
"god really!? that's alllll you're going to tell me?" she says dramatically, a big smile plastered across her face. i just shrug.
"i don't know, it was cool. i wish i didn't rush into it so fast though, he'll just think i'm easy."
"so what if you're easy!!" she exclaims then bursts out laughing. i raise my eyebrows at her dreadful response.
"okay that sounded way worse than how i meant it! he won't care. he'll probably like it," she tells me reassuringly and it almost makes me feel better.
"yeah i guess... i've got to get to lesson though i'll see you later."
i saw timothée a few times that day, each time pretending i didn't see him. i was just embarrassed at how fast i'd taken things and how i'd just let a boy like that get what he wanted. i hope he didn't notice i was avoiding him but i just didn't feel like speaking to him in that moment.
and yet i couldn't stop thinking about him. him smiling, him speaking, the way he'd say things and how he sounded even more articulate than me in the way he'd say things. i loved it. my mind even wandered to the sex side of things. how he'd talk to me and reassure me the whole time. how rough and firm he was when he touched me but in a way that i knew he'd never hurt me. how good he was was also another factor, but i guess that's because he'd done it so many times before... and i was just another notch in his belt.
"jude!" i was rudely awakened from my little daydreams by my maths teacher. she was clicking in my face obnoxiously and her facial expression just read "not impressed".
"yes miss."
"what's the answer to question 7, on the board?" she points vaguely. how the hell am i supposed to answer that? i look around the room for some kind of aid and some girl i've never spoke to before mouths 22 at me.
"22," i mumble to my arse of a teacher.
"i cant hear you jude stop mumbling."
"i said 22!" i tell her again adamantly. she nods in approval and i let out a deep exhale, giving a thumbs up to the girl who had helped me out. she was pretty but i'd never see her before.
at the end of lesson i walked up to her.
"hey thanks for helping me out there," i smile and outstretched my hand, "i'm jude, you're new aren't you?"
"hi i'm erin, and yeah i am just joined today but i'm not really making any friends. everyone's so unfriendly!" she grumbles to herself and i feel bad.
i look around me at the people that go here, she was right. everybody was already in their own little friendship bubbles.
"yeah i know! everyone has such a stick up their arse, but me and my friend poppy, we're alright. well come find you tommorow so you're not on your own," i smile. i hope this girl is nice or i'm going to seriously regret this decision.
"thanks so much!" she seems grateful. that's one good deed done for today. as soon as she utters out those words, he walks past. again i look down, ignoring him completely.
"oh my god! who is that?" she asks me in delight and my stomach churns. the knife twists at the thought of any other girl so much as thinking of him.
"oh that's this random boy in two years above? i don't know," i shrug, trying to brush him off as a nobody.
"well! that's my first school assignment!" she winks at me and i almost throw up, but giggle instead like she's the funniest girl in the world. it's terrible that i hate every girl who goes near him.
"well i guess i'll see you tommorow erin!" i say as we walk out of the school gates and towards our buses.
"yeah nice to meet you jude," she smiles and walks away.
that's right go away, as far away as timothée as possible please.
*****
the entire bus journey we don't speak- he's with his friends and im on my own, a crime thriller firmly gripped in my hands.
but t runs up to me the second we get off the bus. he comes up behind me, his arms snaking around my waist softly and hugging me from behind, his sharp chin digging in to the crook of my neck almost to the point that it was uncomfortable. i hold his hands and turn around to face him.
"hi," i smile at him like a stupid little puppy dog, aching to hear his voice despite it being less than 24 hours since we'd spoken.
he grinned at me almost condescendingly and stared at me back, his eyes boring a great fat whole into my own. i couldn't even describe them to you. they were all different colours, at first blue with fragments of green and then sage with slight undertones of blue. if i wanted to i could write for hours about the subject- but i think it would bore you while thoroughly entertaining me.
"hi j," he responds, the same cockiness he'd always had lingering on his lips.
"how's your day been?" i ask him.
we were walking now, side by side on the cobbled road. our hands brushing together every once in a while anxiously and shoulders touching just as often.
"very good how was yours? i haven't heard from you since last night though. i was starting to think maybe you'd gone off me."
laughter escapes my lips.
god. me gone off him! if only he knew how absolutely ridiculous he sounded right now. like i didn't spend every waking moment of my day thinking about him.
"what's funny?" he grins, "i'm not joking you know. it's entirely plausible that theee jude wilson has now had her fun with me and gotten bored," he says amusingly, putting a long emphasis on "the". like i'm some celebrity.
i raise my eyebrows at the cheeky comment. i wonder what he could mean?
"what do you mean the jude wilson?"
he knew i was asking the real questions now.
"well you don't exactly stay with one boy for long, or emotionally invest in them. from what i've heard anyway," he continues.
if my eyebrows raised any more they'd have flown off of my forehead and into space.
"oh really? what have you heard?"
"just a few things from some of my friends at school, you have quite the reputation."
my brow furrows, desperately trying to think of a witty comeback that didn't make me sound like an idiot in front of him. gave me some kind of high ground. but it did worry me. what had people said about me to him? i know he didn't enjoy associating himself with the mundane and shallow boys that go to our school, but was it possible theyd said something? and he's actually listened?
"yeah well. i bet people at your old school would say the exact same thing about you!"
i winced after saying this, he was so calm and collected as he dished out his slightly snide yet amusing comments whereas i made myself look like a total fool.
again.
he chuckled to himself.
as if he knew something i didn't- which he clearly did. who knows what people at his old school would have said!
"except they wouldn't have jude."
bloody hell.
"and why's that?"
"because i like to keep my private life private, nobody would be able to say anything about a supposed reputation because there isn't one," he looked at me now seriously, no more giggles and laughs would be excerting his mouth anytime soon.
"yeah. i guess that is true, i don't really know anything about you like that," i sighed and looked away jokingly, faking sadness.
he looked at me now and the serious tone left his face, a smirk crawling up it instead. i grinned now- we were both back in our usual happy moods.
"don't be so silly," he walked closer to me now, pinched my cheeks almost hard enough that they went red. i giggled shyly and almost made myself sick at how soft i'd gotten.
he spoke again.
"there was a new girl today wasn't there," he said. but it wasn't a question. he knew there was a new girl, he wasn't asking me for more information about her, not if there was one. the stinging jealousy rose up in my stomach like acid reflux and i went back to feeling sick with envy again.
"why?"
my tone was sharp. he raised his eyebrows in surprise and awkwardness at this,subtly, but i still noticed. of course i noticed.
"just wondering, i saw you talking to her."
"so you knew full well there was a new girl then, you just want to know more about her."
i regretted this the second i said it. what he was asking was completely harmless, i was just being jealous and horrible.
he looked at me harshly and again in surprise, his eyes once again cutting a knife into me. i'd done it now. he'd seen the other side of me, he probably won't even want to see me again. i've put him off. i decide to speak.
"i'm sorry, that was stupid i don't know why i said that."
"it's fine," he sighs but not in frustration, it was more reassuring.
it reminds me of when i felt sad sometimes and my dad would try to help, he was useless but he would always sigh as if me being sad made him sad.
we were at his house now so i guess it was my cue to leave.
"hey," he said reluctantly.
i nod.
"do you want to come to my house tonight?"
"again?" i say playfully, relieved he's not put off me, trying to get back to the old jude.
he smiles gently and then walks back to his.
