Avery's Anorexia

Chapter Three - Abstinence

When I looked up from my homework, scanning the field for nothing in particular-bored I supposed- was when I spotted him on the other side of the field under that damn tree. I noticed he had a black eye. He didn't see me, or if he did maybe he didn't care, because his head fell into his hands and he wept.

I was used to my own breakdowns and self-loathing, but when you see someone else break, when you witness first-hand another human-being gasping for air through choked, erratic sobs something in you dies with them.

My conclusion was that he was abused at home. It's hard to believe someone handsome and isolated would be picked on. He wasn't a freak, nor did he even talk enough to make enemies. The only source of the abuse had to be from home. All the limps, the exhausted slump of his shoulders with a hand to his ribs, the bruised cuts he'd occasionally get on his eyebrow, once in a while a busted lip, and the hiss he'd sometimes make as he sat down- it was all from home. My story for him? Everyday he got up out of bed, body aching from every blow he suffered through, dressed nice, sprayed the cologne I could smell from ten feet away, styled his hair in a quiff, and was out door without a word. Because somehow, if he acted like everything was fine, maybe it would be. But he didn't fool me-most people don't.

The bus breaks croaked as we arrived to the school. Like the defeated children we were, we filed off the bus in a single line of hunched shoulders and onto the battlefield known as high school without complaint. My morning was dull and my face bleak until Bethany found me by the school's fountain.

"Looking thinner and thinner everyday, Aves!" Bethany smiled warmly and sat down.

Compliments had the opposite affect on me. They made me feel distrustful, like someone was mocking me or saying it out of pity. "Thanks."

"I mean it, Aves. You gotta start giving yourself credit."

I know you do. I thought. I just wish it was true. "I will."

It didn't make sense for me not to be happy. I wished I was happy. I wished I didn't hate my body, but it was the one thing that caused my self-loathing. I knew if I could change it... everything would be okay again. I had to make more progress. I had to. It was all I could think about.

Each waking moment became like this. The thoughts of reaching my goal weight took over my life, and it was harmless at first. It made me pissed that I wasn't losing enough to make me feel good. It was anger that fueled my desire to be who I wanted to be. I was sick of wishing I couldn't be seen. I wanted to live.

It took eight more months to reach my desired number. I obsessed over my body until I was counting every calorie. I made it to the average weight a girl of my age and height should have been. 125 lbs. I cried in joy when I stepped on the scale one morning to find that number. I hugged my mom in tears then dialed Bethany. The girl was ecstatic.

Bethany was at my door an hour after hearing the news. She came bearing a flimsy white box in her arms. "This calls for celebration!"

"Bethany, what's in the-"

Beth walked around me and skipped to the kitchen. My mom and I shared a look of confusion. The two of us followed the pixie who had set the box on the table. There, she opened the top to show off a gorgeous red velvet cake.

My mouth watered. "Is that cream-cheese frosting?"

"Yup, your favorite!" Bethany gushed.

My mom helped Bethany cut the cake, but as they did that I frowned. Seeing the frosting stick to the knife I had to ask myself, how many calories were in that cake?

"I don't know," I leaned away from the plate Bethany was extending. "Maybe I shouldn't."

"Oh, come on, Aves! You worked hard for this! You deserve a treat. How can you pass on your favorite cake? A little slice wont hurt anything."

I smiled. "You're right." Even though I took the slice and drank my glass of milk I felt uneasy as I ate.

Bethany went home that night once she, my mom, and I got through four episodes of Supernatural on Netflix. My mom fell asleep on the couch, snoring lightly. I covered her in a blanket and kissed the top of her head. It seemed that I wouldn't be getting any dinner much better than a sandwich, but I didn't mind. I trudged upstairs and headed for the bathroom to pee. Closing the door behind me I spotted the scale in the corner of the bathroom. I peed first, washed my hands, and then stepped on the scale with the calories of the cake running rampant through my mind.

127 lbs.

My heart pounded. 'It's okay, it's normal for your weight to fluctuate between a couple pounds. It's natural. Sometimes it's water weight, and sometimes it's stool. It constantly changes.' I recalled Bethany's coaching.

I squared my shoulders and put these thoughts to bed. Nothing was wrong with me anymore. I should be proud of myself. I tip-toed back down the stairs and made myself a grilled-cheese sandwich. The gooey-ness of the cheese usually made me hum in contentment. This time it felt wrong. This has to be at least 140 calories in fat... No, just eat!

Just eat.

Why was it difficult?

A/N:

AYYEEE UPDATE! I'm sorry it wasn't much guys. It's kind of a filler chapter, but hey a filler is better than no chapter right? I have a three day weekend so I'm going to use that to study for finals week! Bear with me, three more days of school/finals (we don't go to school Friday!) and then I'm free for summer! I'll admit, even though this chapter is a filler I really like it because it has a lesson Avery learned at the beginning during her childhood, and at the end it shows how she's starting to lean away from eating.

What are your experiences with eating disorders? I've heard a few stories that really helped me to structure plot details for Avery, but for anyone who hasn't shared their eating disorder with me I'd be really interested in hearing them. Thank you to all who shared <3 You guys are so brave and so strong. Your stories always stay with me.

As for personal stories, I'm going to try to start posting for 99 Secrets after finals week. My inbox is filled with stories I haven't been able to post and I apologize for that. Just know I'm working on it! Thank you all for your patience. Stay strong <3 ~Mickey