Little Mercury

Hurting

He smiles sadly upon seeing her awake, "You feeling any better, my dear?"

"I'm sorry I broke like that but I feel a bit better for it."

"Don't be sorry, you have every right to be upset. Your grieving Milly and it will take time but you know I'm always here for you."

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In the week that follows Amelia is discharged from hospital. The nursery has been locked as per Freddie's request. Amelia spent that first week in a zombie state, she didn't eat or sleep much and she seemed to have random moments when she would just burst into tears.

One of those moments had been when Brian had popped round to talk to Freddie. Amelia was sat in front of the TV not really watching anything she just stares at it blankly. She turns her head when she hears Brian's voice in the hallway.

Brian follows Freddie through to the music room, "How is she, Fred?"

"No better than she was the day after she came home, I don't know what to do."

He thought for a moment, "Maybe she needs some fresh air or a way to say goodbye. I have an idea, to get her out of the house why don't I take her to the garden centre and find a tree to put in the garden as a sort of memorial tree for the child?"

Freddie knew there was a reason that Brian had all the brains, "I think its brilliant idea darling. Why don't you go and ask her?"

Going to do just that Brian turns round to find Amelia stood there, he nearly had a heart attack but she had obviously heard his idea and she crushes into him hugging him tight around the waist crying into his shirt, "I like that idea."

He returns the hug rubbing soothing circles onto her back, "Do you want to go now? I have time?"

She pulls away thinking about his offer, "Yes please," She turns to her dad, "Can you do me a favour?"

"Anything sweetheart."

"Can you ring Ben and ask him to be here in two hours?"

Freddie nods hoping that this will work helping her and Ben to move on, "Of course." Amelia runs upstairs to find a jacket and shoes.

Before they leave Jim stops her, "Milly, where do you want it to go?" Amelia frowns not understanding his meaning and he caught on, "The tree? Where in the garden do you want it to go? Then I can dig the hole while you're gone."

Amelia needed to have a look outside first so standing in the middle of the garden she searches for the right spot. She notices one corner of the garden near the wall that has no trees just shrubs and brushes at the bottom, "over there," She tells Jim pointing to the corner, "Is that okay dad?"

Smiling Freddie nods he hadn't done anything with that corner because he wasn't sure what to put there, "I think it's perfect, now go and find one."

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Amelia's POV

Being at the garden centre was soothing and I feel better for being out of the house, "Thank you for the idea Uncle Brian, I knew I wanted to do something but I wasn't sure what?"

It's a hard situation and Brian seems to understand my pain, "It's a tricky thing something like this, we know about the baby and grieve for the lost but unfortunately the hospital won't recognize the baby with a birth certificate until after 24 weeks. Its harder on you since there's no birth certificate and that means there is no need for a death certificate but you have every right to grieve Milly and I think this will give you and Ben a sense of closure to say goodbye properly."

It made me smiles the way he talks with such knowledge, "You ever thought about being a documentary narrator? You have the voice for it and the knowledge."

He brushes realising his mistake, "Sorry I got carried away. It's nice to see you smile again though."

We continue walking until a small tree with beautiful white flowers on it caught my eye, I check the label it's a Japanese Lilac tree, "This the one?" Brian asks.

"It's Japanese so it will fit in the garden nicely, the white flowers work since I didn't know what I was having and I was drawn to it so yes, this one." I feel bad to have chosen it without Ben but at least he will be there.

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At home, Jim has dug a big deep hole ready for the tree. Ben is here and with Jim's, he starts planting the tree while I go and find the latest scan photo. The photo is my 14-week scan from just 10 days before.

Dad found a small waterproof hanging frame placing the photo inside he tries a place of string through the loop. I sat on the porch steps watching Ben and Jim carefully place the tree into the hole when dad sat beside me, "You ready for this? It's only been a week."

I gaze at the photo in the frame rubbing my finger across the glass, "I don't think I'll ever be ready but I need to move on, at least this way I can still remember baby Mercury and won't be a figure of my imagination."

Pulling me into his side he kisses my forehead, "You don't have to forget, darling, you just need to be able to move on. I think you mean baby Jones?"

I lean into him feeling that safe warm feeling I only ever get with my dad, "No I spoke to Ben about it. I never want to give up my last name and Ben isn't bothered about keeping his surname so if we ever get married he will become a Mercury. There are lots of people with the surname Jones but Mercury is unique and I want to keep it going."

Dad chuckles, "You really are as stubborn as me." When the tree is planted Dad and Jim leave me and Ben alone.

I tie the string tightly to one of the lower branches then stood back next to Ben, "I'm sorry I couldn't keep our baby safe." He wraps his arms around my waist pulling me against his chest, I feel his tears drip onto my shoulder and I cry into his. We stood silently for a while he dropped his forehead onto my shoulder at one point crying into my shirt.

Pulling my face from his shoulder I look him in the eye, "I know we haven't spoken much since the... since that day and I'm sorry I've been so closed off."

He silences me with a soft kiss and voices his own feelings, "I don't want you to apologise. You couldn't have stopped this, we went to that scan 10 days before and there were no problems then so something went wrong in the time after that. I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. We both grieved apart because it's what we needed, this is our time to grieve together."

Turning in his arms to look at the picture again he pulls my back flush against his chest resting his chin on my shoulder, placing a hand over my lower abdomen where our baby should be growing. I tilt my head back to kiss him on the cheek, "I love you, Ben."

"I love you too. Would you want to try again? In the future I mean?"

It's a question I have thought about every day since I lost our baby and until now I didn't know the answer, "Yes but I need time first and I would like to do it properly this time. I would like to be your wife the next time I find out I'm pregnant so that it doesn't feel like I've done something dirty. I would like to be living together so I don't go through the pregnancy without you. I want to get that first album out with Fallen Angelz and go on tour. But I don't want to forget our baby."

He lays a kiss on my cheek, "We'll never forget, I promise."

Next update will be Saturday back to every two-day updates.