Love, Hate and Greed

CHAPTER 9: FRANCE

"Hey, can we be friends?" I reached my hand to him. He is Nathaniel Samson. His hair was black, wearing a jacket, gray pants, and teary eyed. It was the first day of school, and he was the only one who wasn't making friends around me. When I saw his frowning face with those glistering pairs of eyes with all of the tears he was keeping from himself, I knew I had to approach him. It was an instinct, that when I see a sad person, my heart melts. I can't stand it.

"Who are you?" He hesitated and looked up to me, almost breaking his tears down. And I grabbed his soft gentle hands, fitted into mine like a puzzle. As if my hand found its missing piece. It felt like it was meant to be, our hands were meant to be for one another. "I'm France Justin Henson! And I'm gonna be your friend!" I shouted enthusiastically, but that word friend pained me as time went by. As if I wanted more, needed more, longed more from him. Why do I feel this way towards him? This feeling I get when I see him happy with someone else pains me, breaks me, tears me apart. I wanted you all myself Naths. But I think that's not possible. Because, we're in the same gender.

For long, I kept on searching for the answer. My true identity, sexuality, why am I like this? Am I defected? Am I broken? I don't know. But when I'm with him, the world feels perfect. Everything may break apart in life, but as long as I have him beside me, everything is perfect- Everything is great.

It was the end of our elementary days when I found out about these feelings boiling deep within me. I knew I had to get this feeling off, or else, if he finds out. Everything will fall apart. His smile, his eyes, his touch, his lips that I've been yearning for are all within my reach, yet feels too far away. And everytime I get a grasp of reality, my whole world collapses. That's when I knew I had to face my own demons. I have to be that friend he always had seen in me.

"Hey Naths," I tapped his shoulder as we were walking down the school's main hall. "Yeah?" He turned his head around me, and I shook my head shyly.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"You're already asking, so what is it?" He chuckles.

"Do you love me?" I rolled my eyes away from him. Trying to avoid any eye contact. "Of course," he pushed his knuckles on my chest and smiled.

"You're like a brother to me," his innocent eyes shined, sparkled, blinged as he dug his fist deeper in my chest. And I answered him by bumping our first at each other's fist. "Same!"

After our graduation, I've decided that I have to avoid him starting that day. If I don't do that, these feelings will only grow stronger and stronger with each passing day. And I can't risk that happening. Or else, all of our friendship is going to waste. But if I just avoid him until I get my feelings sorted out, I'm not risking as much as I'm risking by continuing this set up.

That's why starting high school, I joined a gang. Maybe this will help me be me. I can finally be a man, and those feelings for Naths will fade away. But no, it didn't. It only made them stronger. I've always had my eyes on him even though we've not been talking. As if I suddenly vanished in his life for five consecutive years, I've been avoiding him. That's the time when he met Leron. That one guy who replaced me in his life. When I found out that he made a new friend, I broke my own heart into pieces by my rash decision. And for four more years, I held my feelings, until I couldn't anymore.

This was the day before I went to Naths' house escorting him to go to the house party. The boss already asked me to get Naths to him, and he needed him to answer a few questions. And I had to do as he said, or else, I'll be losing my life. That's the only rule enforced in the gang. The order of the leader is absolute, and anyone who fails to accomplish it, the punishment will be their life. Once you join the group you'll have a power to be protected, but that protection is paid by your life.