scripted reality (jay halstead / upstead / one chicago (cast))

chapter 13

"What?" I asked, not because I didn't hear her, but because I couldn't believe what she was saying. "It's Hailey's baby," Tracy repeated. "It's the only thing that makes sense."

I looked at her, overwhelmed by that information and at the same time unable to do anything with it. My head was a mess anyway, and hearing that Tracy, or, as it seemed, Hailey, was apparently pregnant didn't necessarily help with that. "How does that make sense?" I questioned. That didn't make sense at all.

Tracy sighed. I could tell she was trying hard to stay calm and be patient with me. I was grateful for it because I knew how moody I could become lately, and today really wasn't my day. "I remember things from Hailey's life that never happened on the show," Tracy said. "And you have the same with Jay, right?" I nodded. Like us, tipsy, on Jay's couch. Like you, resting your head in my lap. Like me, running my hands through your hair. Your smile, and the sparks in your eyes as you looked up at me. I kept my mouth shut and tried to push the thoughts from my mind. Right now really wasn't the time to turn into Jay again.

I made my best effort to concentrate, and Tracy continued. "So that means our characters have a life outside what we've seen on the show, right?" I nodded again. Which also means Jay might have done a lot more dumb shit than what we actually know about. "I suppose so," I replied.

Tracy seemed relieved, and I wasn't quite sure if it was because I could follow her argument or because I was agreeing with her. "I think that Hailey had sex, but we didn't see it on the show," she explained. Her eyes darted around the room, never resting in any place in particular, and definitely never landing on me.

"That's crazy," I stated. It really was. Tracy looked down at her hands again, and I leaned against the lockers, pushing mine into the front pockets of my jeans. "It's less crazy than assuming that God gave me a baby without having sex or something," she noted. She was right about that.

"Jesse...," Tracy seemed to have a hard time finding the words to continue, or speaking them out loud. I wondered if she planned this whole conversation in advance. She probably did. I tried to focus again when she went on. "Do you think that Jay and Hailey... Do you think that Jay would have slept with Hailey before she left for New York?"

It took me a moment to understand what she was saying. "You mean if this is Jay's..." I paused and took a deep breath, "...if this is my baby?" Tracy nodded. I shook my head. "No," I replied quickly, and maybe a bit too loudly, too. I immediately knew that it was the wrong answer, and I immediately knew that this would have been the right time to start thinking before I spoke as well. But it was too late for that. It was a simple reflex to say no, and I instantly wished I could take it back.

"All I'm asking you to do is to think about it, Jesse. And be honest." Tracy's voice was quiet and calm, although I was sure she was freaking out internally. I would have been freaking out in her place for sure. I knew that I should have considered what she said and given her a truthful answer. Well, essentially, I didn't have to consider anything in the first place – I knew that Jay was madly in love with Hailey.

But like so often lately, I couldn't think straight, and I didn't act rationally. My instinct told me to push everything that was even remotely personal away from me, and this was way too personal, crossing-all-lines personal, so that's exactly what I did. "Tracy, we can't tell who's baby it is," I said. "Maybe Hailey fucked some guy in New York. Who knows?"

I saw something break in Tracy's eyes, and I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. I was stupid, and I was a fucking asshole on top of it. Of course, she would know. I knew, too. Everyone knew. "Wow." Tracy avoided looking at me, and I could tell it was because she was crying. I made her cry.