scripted reality (jay halstead / upstead / one chicago (cast))

chapter 10

We were both exhausted, so we decided to order pizza and made our way to the apartment I had settled in during the past days. As we stepped inside and I guided her through the hallway, Tracy looked around both fascinated and slightly irritated. She followed me to the kitchen in silence and watched as I took two beers from the fridge, handing her one after opening it. We were sitting on the couch in the living room when she finally decided to speak.

"I've been here before," Tracy said. I turned to look at her. "You've been at Jay Halstead's apartment?" She shrugged, and I could see the sincere confusion in her eyes. "This whole place, this whole situation feels so familiar." I knew what she meant. The more time passed, the more things appeared natural to me, too. I was continuously trying to tell myself that the whole situation simply fucked with my head, but to be honest, there was no explanation for the things that suddenly seemed common to me, for the things I knew out of nowhere, and for the feelings and emotions that welled up inside me.

There was a faint memory of us both at this apartment, pouring drinks in the kitchen after a long day at work and a tough case, and hanging out on this couch, tipsy and way closer than we were now. I could recall talking about how that case affected Hailey on a personal level, and I remembered her laying down with her head in my lap. The situation had been new and surprising, but it had felt comfortable at the same time and made my heart flutter in a way it hadn't in a while. I hadn't been able to keep myself from running my hands through Hailey's hair, and she had looked up at me, smiling, the sparks in her eyes telling me that she felt the same.

She had cracked a joke, and we had both laughed. The sound of her laugh and the smile on her face could light up a room in no time. We probably drank way too much back then, and maybe my mind was going places it wouldn't have if I was sober – but it was that night I knew I wanted her smile to be the last thing I saw before going to sleep and her face to be the first thing I woke up to in the morning. It was that night I knew I was falling for Hailey Anne Upton.

"You have that too, right?" Tracy asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I blinked a few times, unsure of what that memory was, and where it came from. Of course, I knew Jay had a thing for Hailey, but that situation in my mind, the emotions connected to it – it all felt so real. I glanced over at Tracy. I had no idea what she was talking about. She looked back at me concerned, knowing exactly that I wasn't quite there.

"Things that you can't explain," Tracy clarified. "Memories, emotions, knowledge. You have that too, right?" I finally understood, and I nodded my head slowly. "Yeah." I watched the blonde woman beside me relax slightly at that information, and I took a sip from my beer, trying to make sense of what was going on in my head. She was beautiful. But she wasn't Hailey Upton, and I certainly wasn't Jay Halstead.

The doorbell rang, signalling that our pizza had arrived and allowing me a short break to get my thoughts in order, although it felt like no amount of time would be enough to achieve that. We ate silently once I returned to the living room, both buried in thoughts and emotions, trying to wrap our heads around the events of the past days. I was glad Tracy was here with me, I was glad I wasn't alone. But at the same time, it stopped me from thinking straight, because my mind kept confusing memories and storylines, fiction and reality... kept confusing Tracy and Hailey.

"Be honest," Tracy said at some point. "Do you think we'll figure it out?" I took a moment to consider my answer. Not like I really had to; I hadn't been thinking about much else in the recent past. Initially, I had been sure this was just a bad joke, and sooner or later someone would make fun of us for believing it all for so long.

But the more time passed, and the more evidence pointed at us actually being the characters we used to play on tv, the less I believed that would happen. There were things, multiple things, that would never have occurred if this wasn't real life, and besides that the only way to explain the memories was that they were real. When I thought it was just me, I had considered that I was simply going crazy. But knowing Tracy had the same issue, I didn't believe that anymore either.