Deep Down Inside

NOT A CHAPTER TESTING

For a moment, I stared at him as I look back again. A ten year boy. My brother. Isaac. Then suddenly, my head automatically pulled forward so that Isaac was unable to see my face. My jaws clenched so tightly that it felt as if my teeth were being pushed back in into their sockets. And it wasn’t just my jaw; I had only realised my hands were wrapped into a hard fist when I felt the inability to create any movement with my fingers. Quickly, I shook them about until each finger no longer required me to move them around by using the fingers that hadn’t frozen. I couldn’t understand this ocean of anger, frustration, guilt and sadness that was whirling inside me. All I did know was that it was much too overwhelming and I wasn’t sure as to how long I could cope with it.

A sudden drop of warm water surfaced down my cheeks. I hadn’t even noticed that my own eyes were pouring along with the rain. I’d always tell myself that I would not cry. No matter what, I would not let whatever it was to get to me. So I blinked hard a couple of times, took in a deep breath and exhaled as I cleared my eyes with my hands.

“Are you coming then?” Isaac asked again.

“Didn’t you hear me the first time, I said I was coming so leave me alone for God’s sake,” I snapped.   

“Okay, calm down.” And he ran off, leaving the door left slightly open. He was gone.

Just at that moment, my body jumped, startled at the sound of rustling. My head jerked up so that my eyes could view the area as to where the sound was coming from. However, the rustling had gone and all that audible was the ghostly howls of wind as it continued to blow, pushing me sideward’s with its strength.  I took that as a sign that I should get back inside the house in case something dangerous was out there, but I froze at the reappearance of the rustling. It was coming from one of the three silver bins.

My mouth didn’t dare to open to ask if anyone was there. That was a death wish as we all knew from the movies. Instead, I began to slowly and quietly take light steps backwards, hoping there weren’t any twigs or crunchy leaves hidden somewhere on the grass. My pace increased with the beat of my heart and eventually I was slightly hyperventilating.  

When I reached my house, I sprinted inside and slammed the door behind me. I felt my mind ease and my body relax itself from the tension as I leaned down against the door. I sat for a couple a minutes, doing a few breathing exercises I had seen trainers teach their students on some yoga channel.

“Is everything okay? Who slammed the door?” My mum asked from upstairs.

“Just me,” I replied. “Sorry.”

A shiver ran through my spine as I stood up. My clothes had glued to me like flies on honey. I wriggled around from left to right, shifting one shoulder up and the other one down, trying to find a comfortable position. The water that had sunk into my clothes and then left puddles over the areas I walked around. They made my top and trousers feel like I was wearing clothing made out of snow or ice.

“Woah, you need to get changed,” stated Isaac as he walked past to go into the kitchen.

“While you’re in there, put the kettle on. Make sure you fill it up first,” I instructed as I started to make my way up the stairs. It was hard, especially when my body refused to walk normally. I had to waddle like a frozen penguin.

“I’m not bothered,” Isaac moaned.

“I don’t care. Do what I tell you,” I hissed.

“Get Ethan to do it.”

“No, I asked you!”

“Well, I don’t wanna do it!”

“You’re in the  bloody kitchen, you lazy cow!”

“Can you two just shut up!” Mums voice screamed from the top of the stairs. “Gosh, you sound like animals.”

“What would you expect when there’s one standing over there?” I muttered under my breath.

“Shut up.” Isaac cried.

“Isaac, don’t tell your sister to shut up.”

“But she-”

“I heard what she said. I’ll punish her later. Now go and do your homework or else.”

Isaac kicked the wall and walked off muttering to himself. “All your fault,” he spat before he disappeared.

“Actually, if you had done what I’d –”

“Uh!” Mum interrupted. She shook her head as her eyes stared at me with rage and disappointment. “Not another word. Go get changed.”

I didn’t say anything after that. If anything left my mouth now, it would be considered as ‘talking back’ and being ‘insolent’ so silence was the better option. Plus, I wasn’t in the mood for a three hour lecture about behaviour and life.

 I ran to my room and as much as I wanted to slam the door, I closed it quietly and walked away before I could try and kick or punch it. However much I tried to calm down, all I could feel is the constant thumping in my chest and the fire burning inside me. My hands tensed as it urged to damage something. Not being able to control it any longer, I punched the wall with the side of my clenched fist and cried silently on the  ground with my hands cupped over my face.

“I hate this!” I yelled as I three the nearest object lying beside me. “I really bloody hate this...” 

It wasn’t because of today’s issue that made me want to break, it was the constituency of it. There wasn’t a single day where I’d be at home without feeling like my brain wanted to explode. And the worst thing was that I always let it get to me no matter how hard I tried to let it go. All the bickering and futile fights just couldn’t be avoided or ignored.

 Without a sound, I wept until enough was enough. Inhaling a large amount of air, I decided to hold my breath until the tears would stop falling. Slowly, I exhaled and ran my hands back through my tangled hair that was still dripping water down my back. I shivered again as I tried to move. I had to change. But just as I prepared myself to stand up, I looked up to see my reflection in the mirror and it was crazy when I couldn’t recognise the creature staring back at me. It was like looking at alien or a monster, one that’d copy my movements, trying to convince me that it was myself that I see staring back. I somewhat did not want to believe it. The thought of me being it frightened me. The girl in the mirror was so different as to how I was. She was a soul trapped in a tiny corner in such a big world. But I wasn’t the girl in the mirror. I had become her.