When the morning comes

19 | out of place

"No!" Benjamin glared at me, his sadness had turned into anger. "I won't eat them because you can't make them. They will taste awful and you never eat breakfast so we have to throw them away and Mamma would be mad."

Talk about getting confronted with your own behaviour. Perhaps, I hadn't been the greatest role model in his life ever since Aurora had passed. It made me nauseous.

"I'm going to get dressed and I will visit Mamma." Benjamin walked off, slammed the door of my bedroom, and his own a moment later.

I stared at the door, emotions wanting to get ahead of me. My phone vibrated some more. I knew exactly what they were saying. Hayday still played and when the cows started to bellow, I smashed my phone onto the floor and got dressed. I made my way downstairs, stared at the photo of Aurora which we had standing onto the piano, the photo we had placed onto her coffin at the funeral. I kissed her in my mind. Wished her a happy birthday. Her thirty- second birthday, if it wasn't for her sickness. Our fourteenth wedding anniversary tomorrow.

Water dripped from the dining table. I walked closer, saw a bouquet of plucked wildflowers out of the garden Aurora and I had made, planted. Besides that laid a drawing of an Edelweiss, Benjamin's handwriting scribbled onto it.

Edelweiss. I'm sorry, Mamma. :'(

The stairs creaked. Benjamin stepped down slowly. I glanced at him. He wore his white button up, tucked into beige shorts that reached above his knees. His disheveled hair styled with a little too less hair gel, with a dollop of the liquid resting on his wrist. I smiled half-heartedly. It was Aurora's favourite outfit on him. He knew that. I knew that. We both knew that we knew that.

"You look handsome."

Benjamin didn't answer, but his eyes gazed the floor. "When will the rain stop?" He picked up the bouquet.

I gazed at the sky. "Soon. It's just a heavy shower."

"Will the sun shine today?"

"I'm sure Mamma ordered it for us today."

"Did Mamma order the rain too so we would start this day sad? To put us to the test and see if we still miss her?"

I laughed. Benjamin cracked a small smile. The tension of our emotions were mostly gone. We sat on the couch in silence, waiting for the shower to pass. Benjamin cuddled with Casey on his lap, whispered things into the cat's ear. I stared at Aurora's face.

My heart felt heavy. Rotten with guilt. Rotten with my selfishness. My heart cried. Everything inside of me felt shattered. I needed to share my emotions with her, needed to share my pain with her on these two days. I didn't know how to walk around with those burdens upon my shoulders for a moment longer. The wood was creaking, begging to break in order to lose some of the heavy weight. I wasn't used to being without her. Every day pained me more. Every day put more pressure on the wood resting upon my shoulders. She had been my heart. She had been my life. She was my life, still. But if she had been here, she wouldn't have had to help me lift the heavy wood off of my shoulders. For those feelings wouldn't have been there in the first place.

Water seeped onto my trousers. I stared down at the bouquet on my lap. Benjamin stood in front of me, with his black Clarks onto his feet. I got the note. Stepping into my own shoes, we got out of the house and felt how the weak sun shone down onto us. We silently walked the track leading to where Aurora rested.

It was quiet outside. People were caught up in the haste of their lives. Working. Teaching. Children at school. It gave us the peace we needed. Birds sang softly. Gently bouncing on the branch they were sitting on. The fence creaked. The gravel path crunched beneath our feet. Straight on. Turning to the left. Fifty meters. Turning to the right. Last stone.