Thunderlight

(Cont.) Selfish

Trekking through the town back the Agnes' house is just as unpleasant as it was when they were travelling to the base, but this time, Montgomery is plagued with a lot of inner turmoil, too. He made true on his word when he said he wasn't going to ignore the 'am I a bad person' conversation. But now that he's able to confront it, he's not sure if he's ready.

He's never been under the illusion that he's necessarily a good person. After all, he gets in fights with Florian and he disappoints his father all the time. He says and does things that he feels guilty about pretty often. He's not like Lenny. He doesn't pull complete strangers who've just been electrocuted within an inch of their life out of rivers. He doesn't make friends with people at a bar and counsel them through their life's troubles. He doesn't see a town full of impoverished, needy people and think, we can't just leave. Instead, he picks up his map and looks at the fastest route out.

By the time they arrive at Agnes' house, his body is sagging and he's dragging his feet. Even if it is ridiculously early in the morning, he has a feeling that exhaustion isn't the only thing weighing him down.

Agnes' family weeps over her return. The feelings they release are so intense that he can feel them, too. Relief. Worry. Joy. Sadness. There's such a mix of emotions in this moment because even though they fixed something, they didn't fix everything. Montgomery can't help but feel guilty as he hands the family the little scraps of money he snagged from the krookodile. Is this really all he can offer? This will help buy the medicine, but what about tomorrow? What about the next illness, the next famine, the next thing?

He doesn't know why he turns to Lenny, away from the rest of the crowd. He doesn't know why he opens his mouth and asks, "Why did you want to stay and help?"

Because he's a good person, an insidious voice whispers in the back of his mind, and you're not.

Lenny blinks at him quizzically. "Well, why did you give them the money for medicine? Because it was the right thing to do."

But that's different. Lenny does things because he's good, and Montgomery does things because he's not. The only reason he picked up that money for them was because... because... well, he doesn't know. But he only does things for himself, that's why father banished him—because he couldn't put the family's reputation before himself.

Maybe that's why he's always wondered if he was a bad person, because he's always been this way: selfish.

He was ten when he first realized it.

Back then, all that really mattered was what happened in his backyard. The whole world was him and Florian and Torquil, playing make-believe in the woods or staging performances for their siblings. His only worry was what game they would play that day and if the neighbor's mean kids would stop by to torment them again. He lived, content, in a bubble.

But one day, the neighbor's kids started throwing rocks at Torquil. They were older, and tougher, and meaner, and they didn't care that Torquil started to cry. They just kept throwing and jeering.

"Son of a whore! Brothel baby! There's no blue blood in you! Your father doesn't love you, little bastard son!"

Montomgery didn't know what the words meant at the time, and he didn't care. All he knew was that the words hurt Torquil more than the rocks and that Torquil was his friend. At that age, there was a very simple protocol for that.

"Agh! Get off, get off you little rat!" The bullies screamed as he swung and clawed at their faces. The eldest one shoved him off and spit blood at him. "No good Alcott bitch; have fun defending that prostitute's bastard child!"