The imperfect perfect man

Lilith

"I love you baby and I'll wait for you for forever until you come back to me." Was all I needed to hear to follow his voice out of the dark and into the light.

I opened my eyes to a darkened room. I was in a hospital bed and I touched my stomach, she was gone. I failed her as her Mother. I failed Alexander. While I was sleeping, he had to make all the heartbreaking decisions on his own. I really did, I really left him when he needed me the most. I looked around the room and Saw Alexander sleeping on a cot. My beautifully imperfect, perfect man was there.

"Alexander." My voice was a whisper. "Alexander." I said again but my voice kept failing me.

Just then his eyes shot open and he looked at me and jumped out of bed "Thank God." Was all he managed to say as he leaned over pulling me into his embrace and he cried. I've never seen him cry like that before, so broken. I broke him.

"I'm sorry." I tried to say but my voice wouldn't come out more than a whisper.

"You don't have to say sorry. I'm sorry I didn't realize what you were going through until it was too late." Alexander put his hands on my face and kissed my lips, "I almost lost you and I never want to go through that ever again. I need you. Don't you know that?"

"The baby?" I asked him but I already knew the answer.

"Let me go get a nurse." Alexander went to leave but I stopped him.

"The baby?" I asked again holding onto his arm and he turned to face me with a somber look on his face.

"She was too small. I held her as she died." Alexander had tears in his eyes.

"It's all my fault." I cried.

"No, it's not your fault." He tried to assure me.

"You must hate me for doing this to you?" my voice was getting louder now as I cried.

"I love you. I don't hate you and I don't blame you." Alexander was trying to calm me down, "This was out of both of our control, no one is to blame."

"I let her die, I let her die O God I'm a horrible mother." I was hysterical now, "I should be dead, I should have died not her."

All of a sudden, the room was filled with alarms going off. I couldn't control myself and my emotional breakdown.

"Baby calm down your heart rate is going up." Alexander tried to calm me. A nurse came running into my room and put something in my IV.

"What the fuck are you giving her?" Alexander tried to stop her.

"It's a sedative to calm her down." The nurse went to put the medicine in again and he stopped her.

"She's been in a coma for a week she doesn't need any more sedation." Alexander yelled at her.

"If you don't let me do my job, I will have you removed." The nurse gave him a stern look.

Alexander sat back down and took my hand in his while I was still hysterically crying.

"I should be dead, not her, I should be dead not her." I kept repeating over and over until sleep took a hold of me and I was out again.

When I came to in the morning Alexander was holding my hand. He looked like he hadn't slept all night. He had a worried expression on his face. Looking at my husband he looked older and disheveled.

"How long have I been out for?" I asked Alexander trying to sit up.

He helped me in a sitting position but was still very weary of my emotional state. "It's been a week." He answered.