worst years of my life ➡️ td highschool ✔️

before the world was big

!! TW ; eating disorders !!

gwen.

i wish everything would go back to normal.

i wish i still lived in the small world that i was living in before a few months ago.

when i was eight, my mom would take me, my little brother, and my cousin to church every sunday. ella was my closest cousin, really my closest friend. it was really convenient that we were the same age. we'd talk together, eat together, and play together every chance we got.

that doesn't happen anymore. ella's parents had her move with her other relatives to a different city, a more suburban place where she'd be more comfortable with herself.

another thing i miss is middle school. despite everyone else having a miserable time, i'd sell a lung to go back. i was weird, and “quirky”, and i just had a better feeling about myself than i do now. i can't remember a time in those three years when i have a single fuck about anything, or anyone.

well, except trent.

it was in seventh grade when trent had first came to wawanakwa middle school. all of the girls were all over him, calling him the “new mysterious cute boy.” and if i was that type of girl, i would've been all over him, too. but no. i just stared at him from afar, watching him be mysterious and cute until the end of last year.

it was sometime during the last few weeks before we got out for summer break that leshawna started daring me to leave love letters in trent's locker when he wasn't there. me being the bold girl i was at the time, i did it, and during one of those times, he saw me before i could get away.

and now, i'm still with him, and we're both happy, for the most part.

but unfortunately, the world gets bigger, and when it does, you do, too.

you start to notice things around you, things that you've never seen before.

around six months ago, i started noticing that people didn't like lindsay because of her airhead personality, and definitely not because of her academic abilities.

they liked her because she had a nice body.

can you believe that? here i am, with a gross figure, and lindsay just gets handed a gorgeous, natural body that all the guys were drawn to.

now believe me, i didn't want that type of attention, nor did i want to be anything like lindsay, but imagine me standing next to her?

i'm easily like, a six.

around three months ago, trent and i had a talk. it was ... nice. we'd talked about all the girls he'd dated before. i asked him to show me pictures of them, which now, i regret.

they all almost looked the same. either blonde or brunette, wearing cute girly clothes, and nice jewelry, but that wasn't what i was worried about. once again, it was their body. it was so small and petite, and i wish i had it.

i never told trent how i felt about it. i knew he'd say some genuine, encouraging words, but they were probably all the same words i was telling myself in middle school, and i don't want to hear those words anymore.

and around three weeks ago? that's when the noticing starts turning into something else. i wanted what i saw, and if i didn't get it, i wasn't going to be satisfied. so i did what the girls in their blogs filled with advice told me to do.

i thought i could keep it a secret. play normal when everyone was around. and for a while, i did. but then it started catching up with me. i started missing school, i started having more and more symptoms.

then trent suggested that i take a pregnancy test, and i did, just to make him happy.

and when i did go, i never thought i'd see heather, in all of her greatness and glory, ending up pregnant. well, if she did end up pregnant. i still have no clue how that's going for her.

but things got even worse when trent wanted me to go out to eat with him and his parents, and when geoff and bridgette came over to check on me.

at least one of them worked.

that sunday, when i'd went to eat with trent and his parents, it went well for the most part. i was smiling, trent was smiling, his nice mom was smiling, and his annoying dad was smiling. it was great, until i'd fallen out of my chair, closed my eyes, and woke up in a hospital bed.

apparently i'd fainted at the restaurant.

and when i looked up at my mom, who was holding my hand and crying, i wanted to cry, too. the nurse had walked in with those straight, emotionless faces they always had.

“gwen,” she began, “your boyfriend told us about the symptoms you've been having, and with the way it's looking .. we're considering diagnosing you with anorexia.”

it was like a smack to the face. i didn't think it would end up like this, nobody ever does, but it happens. and it hurts. oh my God, it hurts.

my mom was clinging onto me, sobbing, almost like she'd lost me.

and now, i'm here, in my room, constantly trying to wipe away my tears, since everybody would check on me at random times throughout the day.

but, cody had facetimed me. i'm still not sure how he got my number, but at least he'd make me laugh.

him, noah and i talked for a while, and during that entire time, i'd felt good, something i hadn't felt during this entire thing.

but when the call ends, i know i'm gonna go right back to missing everything.

if this is what getting bigger feels like ... i'd rather stay small.

a/n: if you found anything wrong with this chapter , let me know. i want this to be accurate & i also don't want to offend anybody .

next chapter is a leshawna chapter woooooo

k bye lmao