Now You See Me [Jasper Hale story]

XXI. Various Suicidal Tendencies

"What if I just want to die?"
"Then I will be sad and disappointed that you cheated yourself out of your chance at existence. Not all of us have that opportunity, you know, to choose life."
― Megan Bostic

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Seth was waiting for me in front of Billy Black's house. I couldn't say I wasn't happy to have him by my side, the moment we entered the house. After all, I wasn't used to dealing with self-murderers, while the last thing I would have been sure about was how to act around Bella.
I stopped in the door frame, my back hitting Seth's (bare) chest. Looking for the other boy, who saved Bella's life, my eyes roamed across the room nervously. Jacob Black was apparently tall, however, his height wasn't determinable, because he was crouching by Bella's armchair.

Shit, this wasn't, by any chance, a good idea. How was I supposed to talk to someone, who tried to end her life, because of missing someone else? Biting my nails, I decided to back away from the room. In that moment though, I felt Clearwater's hands, squeezing my shoulders, as the boy turned me around. I didn't have any other option than to look up at him.

"What are you doing?" Seth whispered indignantly. "She needs you!"

"And I need to find Atlantis. See? None of that's gonna happen!" I snapped at him, not less millitantly.

"Gwyn..." Seth breathed out more softly, pushing a strand of my hair away from my face. "You aren't a coward; I know you're not, that's why I like you. So what's wrong?"

I fidgeted uncomfortably, as Seth lifted his eyebrows. "Dammit, I don't know what to tell her, how to treat her, after what she did! Never in my life have I talked someone who tried to commit a suicide. I don't even know if I don't loath her for it!"

Seth sighed, squeezing my upper arms. "Chill, you don't have to say anything, if you don't want to. Don't tell her that you loath her, and everything will be fine. Just... enter the room and hold her hand. Perhaps, she will start to talk to you - you never know. Please. If not for Bella, do it for me," the sincere glimpse of his chocolate brown eyes made me nod. Clearwater's eyes always had this special effect on me; when he asked me to do something, with the honesty of his own, I wasn't able to say no.

Therefore, I soon found myself, making small, slow steps in the direction of the girl's bed. The boy by her side - Jacob - stood up as soon as I reached them. He silently pulled out a chair for me to sit down on. I thanked him, trying my best to come up with a smile. However, my effort showed up to be useless. For the last time, I looked over my shoulder, at Seth. He lifted the corners of his lips reassuringly, showing me thumbs-up. Then, Jacob Black closed the door and I remained alone, in the same room with a self-murderer.

"Hello, Bella," I ushered carefully, stretching my hand towards hers, in order to hold it. Clearwater said it would work, so I honestly wished for his own sake for his words to become true.
The brunette's shoulders were shaking, apparently with cold. Although the clothes she had been wearing were dry, I assumed her trembling to be a side effect of the moments spent in water. After all, swimming in the ocean, in the beginning of May, wasn't something sane people would do.
"You're cold," I stated, "Should I call your friend, to bring you a cup of tea, or... something like that?"

For the first time since I came in, Swan gave me a peep. And surprisingly, her eyes didn't seem to hold insanity. I didn't know what I thought they'd look like, but when she looked at me, she was... sane.
"You must think I'm a lunatic," the girl announced in resignation. I breathed in to talk, but she cut me off. "No, I know what it looks like, Gwyn, and I'm not stupid, neither am I deft. If I were you, I would think of me as of a lunatic."

"Bella, you can't put it like that. It wasn't-"

"I heard you talking to Seth," rejoined the brunette insistently, "And I don't judge you - really. I just... asked them to call you, because you're the only person who knows what it's like, to keep caring about someone who left." In this point, I frowned, ready to tell her that I hadn't cared about Jasper Hale anymore... or about any other member of the Cullen family she might have been thinking of, for that matter.

"That's nonsense," shaking my head slightly, I shifted on the chair. "You have many other friends, people who would listen if you gave them a chance. Look around yourself! What about Jacob, for example? He likes you - judged of the way he looks at you."

"No, Jake cannot replace him. I know he tries, but... Gwyn, I don't think I'll ever be able to see a man like I saw Edward."

"Well, you'll have to give it a try, since you don't have much of another choice," as soon as the sentence left my throat, I realized that it might have been too cruel. Bella's chin trembled and I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't be," she gave my palm a tighter squeez, "Jacob pulled me out of the water. He saved my life. I know I'm terribly selfish and ungrateful towards him." I didn't say anything, for that, there was a notion of silence. "Yet, with his being a wolf, I'm not sure whether I can-"

In that point, my eyes narrowed. "His being what?"

Bella hesitated, "A wolf," she repeated slowly, measuring me with a confused glance. "Oh my! Seth didn't tell you? I-I thought you and him became... never mind."

"No, no, no." I straightened my back sharply, supporting my words with chaotic waving of my hands. "'Never mind' can be used, when someone breaks your vase, or splashes you with a chocolate smoothie. Not in this case though!" My brain was overworking again. I could feel it.
Was she speaking about the huge wolves that saved my life? If yes, then how could Jacob Black - a human being - possibly become such a creature? Why was Seth - of all the strange, Indian people from La Push - supposed to tell me? And WHAT in hell was he supposed to tell me?! You see, that was why I had to calm my mind down, before it would explode.

My gaze turned back to Bella. This time, I could imagine my eyes being far more unyielding than before. I gulped, hissing almost inaudibly: "Tell me. Everything."

A few minutes later, I was already sitting outside the house, on the stairs. Holding and observing a book Alice left on my nightstand, before she left for good, I wasn't sure if I should open it. Was I fine enough to read some poetry? Jasper Hale's favorite poetry, to be exact - or at least, that was what was written on the first page...

"For my bravest Major J. Whitlock, Maria."

A narrow needle of jealousy stung me in the heart. Whoever Maria was, she knew what his real name was. Obviously, she gave him the book, which indicated he meant something to her. Yet, Jasper never told me about her. The realization, that I actually knew nothing of the man who kissed me five months ago, literally infuriated me. On the other hand, it was clear that Hale wasn't obliged to tell me anything. He had his life and surely long history, while I was just an excessively curious person, who had to stick her nose into everything. Sometimes, I despised myself for being curious. And even more often lately, the newly gotten information became too much for me.

For example, the werewolves. When Bella explained the matter to me, I wasn't able to say anything, mainly because I had no idea how I felt. For that, I just marched out of the house and... here I was now, munching a book that shouldn't have been important to me, sitting on the stairs somewhere in the mighty jungle, with a completely blank mind.

"Are you angry?" Seth sat down next to me, the heat of his body radiating in all directions. Suddenly, I found an appropriate emotion - disappointment. Being disappointed in myself, for that I hadn't figured my friend was having this kind of trouble; disappointed with Seth, for not having helped me for the slightest.

"No," I replied quietly, "Disappointed perhaps, sad even. But not angry."

Seth took a sharp breath, turning his head to look at me, "Gwyn, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you - I really did! Sam and the others wouldn't let me though."

"Of course he wouldn't," I spat out. Now, I was becoming angry. "Mastermind assumed I'm another Bella, and that's what he's gonna stick to until the rest of his goddamned life."

"Bullshit. Sam never thought of you as of Bella. He knows you're far more ambitious and determined," he paused for a few seconds, "I think that's why he considers you to be a threat."

"What?!" I squeaked out, "Is he dumb? How can I possibly be a threat to a taller, stronger Dr. Jekyll, who has a huge, sharp-teethed Mr. Hyde in him, and isn't afraid to use him, whenever he feels like it?!"

Seth grinned mischievously, as if he knew something I didn't. So there, I clenched my fist and punched him in the shoulder. "I don't know, alright?" The boy threw his hands up in surrender. "He's been feeling that way about you for only a few days. At first, he was afraid of that you might reveal our secret, like Bella; when you were attacked by the vampire, he changed his mind though. None of us has any idea why, because Sam doesn't have to show us all of his thoughts."

I narrowed my eyes reflectively. Sam was always an ass to me, however, something at the accident on the road made him deem about my being dangerous. I didn't have to think twice about the reason. I managed to pierce the vampire's skin and he started bleeding. No wonder that it scared him. I was freaking out about it as well, even despite my not being a self-styled protector of Forks population.

"The question is, though, do you know about any reason for Sam to feel that way about you?" Clearwater asked suspiciously. Damn, I must have been out of reality for longer than would be nice.

"Uhm... nope," lying swiftly, my eyes travelled towards Seth's. He was still looking at me incredulously, nevertheless, I was sure he would forget about it soon. "I wanna go home, Seth. Jacob has taken care of Bella, so there's no need for me to stay here."

"Yeah... sure." Clearwater stood up dexterously, offering me a helping hand. Of course that I accepted it; who was I to refuse a handsome guy's help? "Do you want me to give you a lift?"

The corners of my lips twisted up slowly. I knew I shouldn't ask him to do it - after all, he didn't owe me anything. His offer just... sounded so attractive, after another, crazy day I had been through. Don't take me wrong, I loved driving my dearest Golf dearly. Today though, the bare idea of the way home seemed like a calvary to me. I was too distracted and, most of all, too tired to drive.

"I'd love that," tilting my head to the side, I put my hands into the pockets if my jeans. Seth smiled gently, pulling me closer to him and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. I handed him the keys of my car, as we started walking in its direction. "So... are we going to be like the big, bad wolf and little Red Riding Hood now?"

"What kind of question is that?" Clearwater grimaced.

I shrugged. "You should know that I'll kick your ass if you try to eat the content of my basket."

"I'd like to see that," the jerk had been laughing at me.

I frowned, "Take that back."

He didn't, of course, so there, I started tickling him (hard and assiduously), until he gave up. When he did so, we were both sitting in my car, laughing like idiots. Then, we drove off for my home.