Unrequited Love For You

So this is me, Jack Azaleas; the protagonist of this crap.

Hey, my name is Jack Azaleas, and this is the story of how I suffered and died of suffocation by the most irritating weed growing in my lungs for...how long was it? I don't remember...during my last days of living, I didn't bother enough to check the calendar. Whatever, does my death date even matter? Nope.

Hehehe...you know, I was already having a hard time breathing with all the anxiety attacks I had throughout high school, but this one surely takes the cake! 

At least they were not roses, that's the only plus I could think about during my days with Hanahaki. Sucks for those who have roses and thorns as flowers...my condolences for them.

What is Hanahaki, you might ask. Well before we jump into that, let me tell you how it all started. How I am currently watching my memories through a projector in the black void, narrating them to a non-existing audience.

2010 May 17

I'll never forget that day, it was the day I realized my intense feelings for Kevin Hail. Just the sound of his name still makes my heart flutter.

A little background information: Kevin Hail was just a high school student like me, and only months older, yet he absolutely looked better than I ever could; he had the dreamiest dark brown eyes I've ever seen, infinitely silky long brown hair, healthy tanned skin, and the most toned body I've ever seen on a teenager. 

He was brave, loyal, tough as nails, friendly to everyone regardless who they were and...annoyingly talkative and clingy from time to time, but that's part of the reason why I loved him.

And there I was; a black haired loner with the messiest hairstyles, and most dead pale skin that you would assume I was a walking corpse at first glance, and the biggest bags under the eyes you'd ever see with no hopes in life and constant thoughts of suicide.

I was the outcast in the school because I despised socializing; It's not like I was awful at it, I could carry a whole 10 minute conversation on my own, I just don't want to interact with people because the last time I did, I was tied into a bed buuuut that's another story for another time. 

And plus, who would wanna waste their time to a guy like me?

Contrast to Kevin, he liked having friends and was really outgoing, most of the students loved him because he's so open minded and friendly. He sees one lonely new kid eating at the back of the cafeteria and he already goes, "you're my friend now. We're gonna have pizza later!" 

On top of that, he was part of the basketball team, and everyone loved athletic guys. I won't lie, he was really fit. But he's more than just that to me.

You wouldn't expect me and him would bump into each other because I would be actively avoiding him most of my school days; whenever I see a sight of him I would go, "ahh heck no, give your attention to someone who actually deserves it!" and run away. 

I was also mostly seen on libraries quietly reading some horror novels after school; the reason I loved horror stories is that I'd always picture myself getting killed by aliens or murderers in the death scenes, because I couldn't really kill myself no matter how strong the desire is, so I instead imprinted myself in those scenarios...

One day, the athlete ran into each other while I was trying to find a newly released horror novel and turned out that HE had the book I was looking for! We ended up sharing it and it also and he also happen to love horror stuff as much as I do, so we became friends.

Because of his contagious enthusiasm and confidence, I finally tried opening up to some individuals and made my own small group of friends.

There was the brunette transfer student Leslie and the redhead leader of the gardening club in school Bianca. They were known as the garden girlfriends because they loved gardening and they became official girlfriends in a pretty short time after meeting. I don't know about you, but I think the cupid's arrow hit the two hard.

And there were my two favourite twins, Pax and Hannah Quinn, they loved playing detectives so whenever I lose something, I know who to call; and despite the twins being in the same year as I was, they were shorter than me...

Now I think about it, more than half of the students were short, only one in the basketball team managed to be taller than me and he was an exchange student from Germany. Was I that tall or were they just that short?

As much as I loved my small group of friends, our hangouts were just for the sake of socializing and we're only going to part ways after graduation and they'll forget I ever existed so I didn't bother to really get emotionally involved with them or their lives. 

But with Kevin...it's different, I felt really connected to him in every way I didn't know was possible; it's like a hole inside of me was filled with something I didn't know I yearn for a long time.

Days became months, I had begin to notice there was some unspoken tension building up between me and Kevin whenever we hang out, but I thought of nothing of it until 17th of May 2010. 

That day, Kevin and I were both reading books quietly in the most secluded spot in the library whispering about topics every few minutes. 

Ahh...I remember how beautiful he looked under the dimmed library light as clear as day; his hair was tied into a ponytail and rested lazily on his shoulder, his brown eyes that always shown life were shining with content, his pink luscious lips were curved into a small smile as he skimmed through his novel...always took after my heart. 

We found ourselves talking about romance and love soon, and while we were on that topic, I took the opportunity to ask him, "what do you think how falling in love feels like?"

He didn't answer immediately, he took his sweet time to form a reply. And when he did, it left me thinking about myself. He said, 

"Well I think that when you fell in love with someone, you would feel very warm, secured, loved and valid around that person, you would want to be with them, you'd promise to yourself to keep them happy and safe just as much as how they make you feel no matter what cost, and you want to feel their heartbeat to make sure that they're there with you, and just you. To your eyes, their whole being; their flaws, their accomplishments, their mistakes, their scars, and their pasts, is what made them special and precious to you and you love every single of them equally...ahh I sound like my dad now. Sorry about that, haha!"

When he said his definition of romantic love, I realized my feelings for him matches the description and they weren't exactly platonic all this time...I was falling for him.

Biggest mistake I ever made was I let those feelings grew; I should've killed them years ago, or preferably the moment I recognized them as romantic, because knowing Kevin's nature, he definitely has a massive list of potential love interests that were better fits for him. 

What could I offer him that others can't? 

I shouldn't had my hopes high, I shouldn't have expected him to reciprocate the feelings someday, I shouldn't have mistaken every bit of his kindness as a possibility for us to be together.

Because 2 years later, also known as the present time, he started dating someone else; I don't remember who though, must be because I tried so hard to forget who it was....whenever I tried to recall their names or appearance, all I'd remember were statics and blurs. 

But I do remember my first immediate reaction when I heard it from Hannah as clear as day; my whole world shattered in front of me, time stopped and everything turned dark and dead. What was only couple of seconds in real time felt like I was in that dark and cold reality. 

I couldn't move, speak, or anything, I just stood there lifeless. There, the dreadful feeling I had burdened upon before I met Kevin came back to me...emptiness -- utter cold hollow emptiness.

After seconds of being dead, my chest tightened and swelled in the most hurtful way possible, it hurt so much to the point something clogged my throat; I didn't know why or what was happening to me since it all came so fast, but the urge to retch was so sudden and violently shooting up inside me, I sprinted to the nearest restroom...which was unfortunately, the girls' bathroom.

Luckily Bianca and Leslie were the only ones there, clipping each others' nails. I didn't have the time to see their reactions or hear the protests, I didn't care where I was, all I did was ran in there, set myself on the nearest sink, and coughed out a bunch of...yellow dandelions petals.