A Silverback's Discovery

Twelve: A Good Guy

Even the gorilla, who was the most confident part of him, felt antsy as Han entered the classroom the next morning. 

"He's got the tests," Sidney said as soon as Han took a seat next to her.

"What?"

Sidney nodded to wear the teacher was putting a stack of papers at the edge of his desk. "Those are the tests. He graded them really quickly." She sounded nervous.

Han had forgotten what it was like to care about your grade. "I'm sure you did fine."

Sidney frowned. "We'll know soon enough."

The teacher called the class to attention, and that was all the time they had to talk. Han wasn't sure what to make of it. Things seemed... normal. For a harrowing second he wondered if he had somehow imagined the whole kiss.

No, that was dumb. It had happened. But why wasn't Sidney acting like it had happened? Han kept side-eying her, but she seemed intent on the lecture, taking copious notes. He was glad things weren't awkward, but what did it mean? Could he maybe get away with making the kiss out to be some spur of the moment thing, and be able to just remain friends with Sidney? Is that even what he wanted? He might be able to get her to trust him more if he showed more interest. 

The teacher waited until the end of class to hand back the tests. He claimed he didn't want the students to be distracted with them, but Han thought he was just being sadistic. Han got a seventy-seven percent, a C. That was fine by him, better than he thought he would do. He looked over at Sidney. "So?"

"B plus," she said with a sigh of relief as she packed up her things. "How about you?"

"C. Guess studying really did pay off because I was like, seventy-five percent sure I was going to fail."

"I thought you said you were okay at calculus?"

Han shrugged as they headed out of the class. "I maybe fudged my abilities a bit."

"So you just wanted to get me over to your house is that it?" She smiled at him.

Was this flirting? Was she flirting with him? Han knew he had to tread carefully. He hadn't yet made a decision about how he wanted to play this. "Yeah, I get lonely," he said. That was playful, but noncommittal. Right?

 "See? I told you. You're not the type to be alone."

"Guess you have me pegged, huh?"

"I sure do."

They stopped at Sidney's locker. She was smiling up at him again, a sort of expectant look on her face. Holy crap, did she want him to kiss her again? Is that what that look meant?

Han could practically feel the gorilla's eye roll inside of him. Get a grip. Han's phone buzzed in his pocket and he checked it as a welcome distracting. It was Rand. She was outside the school.

"Um, I gotta go take care of something. See you at lunch?"

Sidney had a flash of disappointment, but then she shrugged. "Sure. See you then."

Han rushed out the doors and found Rand by Orion's Tesla, leaning against it with her arms crossed. "What's the matter?" Han asked as he reached her. Her message hadn't said anything other than that she was outside. 

"I wanted to talk."

Han gaped at her. "What? That's it? I thought something was wrong."

"There is something wrong. We're fighting and I don't like that, so... I came to fix it. You're not answering any of my calls or messages and I knew you'd be here, so... here I am."

"I figured you would take the hint." 

"Han, we never fight."

"We're not fighting now."

"Yes, we are. Come on, can you hear me out please?"

Han didn't want to hear her out. He just wanted to ride out whatever this thing was that he was feeling. This disappointment or jealousy or whatever it was. He wanted to be down with it.

Han walked to the driver's side and started to get in, but Rand was faster than him and shut the door before he could get it all the way open. "You know I'm stronger than you, right?" Han asked, still holding onto the door handle.

"Yes. Doesn't mean I'm not going to try to stop you from leaving. Just talk to me. Please."

Han gave a sigh of frustration. He knew that he had to deal with it sooner or later. Might as well be sooner. "Fine. Say your piece."

"I know I said it was just a stupid crush at the hospital, but it wasn't. I was in love with Orion even then. Somehow, those weeks before... before everything happened with my family, I fell in love with him."

How had Han missed one of his best friends falling in love? But he knew the answer to that question. He had missed it because she hadn't told him any of it. "He's your squad leader, Rand. And he's like, ten years older than you."

Rand rolled her eyes at his exaggeration. "Like, four years. But Han, come on. We save each other's lives on a regular basis. I think that trumps a little age difference, don't you? That stuff doesn't matter to me. And it doesn't matter to me if he maybe doesn't feel exactly the same way, I'm just happy to be with him, whatever way I can."

"That's pathetic."

Rand winced and Han regretted his words. He knew he was saying all the wrong things. But he didn't know how to say the right things. Didn't know how to tell her that he was... what? Disappointed? That he... that maybe he had wanted more. Is that even what he had wanted? If he did would he be going around kissing girls he had no business kissing? 

Things were getting too complicated.

"Don't be an ass," Rand said. "I mean, come on, you've never been in love before? It kind of gets away from you. And it's not something you can really control. I feel how I feel. Can't you understand that?"

Before this whole thing Han would have confidently said he'd never been in love before. But now he wasn't so sure. This thing he was feeling, this uneasiness with Rand... could that be what it was?

"I do understand," Han said. "I just... I don't get why you had to lie to me about it. Or why you're forcing yourself to stay when nothing might ever come of it."

"Well, it's my decision. And, I'm sorry I lied but it was complicated. And I've already apologized, so, what more do you want?" 

Rand was getting past the point of trying to make amends and to the point of impatience. Han was actually surprised she'd made it this long without getting irritated or angry with him. Understanding and patience were not her strongest virtues. If anything, they were Orion's. Maybe that's what she saw in him. Opposites attract or whatever. 

"What is it about him?" Han found himself asking without really thinking about it.

"What?"

"Why do you love him? What is it about him?" And why isn't it me? he added, silently.

Rand sighed, then leaned back against the car once more. "I don't know. It's like... he's always there for me. He gets me. We laugh together. He tells me the truth, even when it's hard for me to hear."

Those all sounded to Han like things he did, too. 

"He's just a really good guy," Rand said. 

Maybe that was it. Maybe Han wasn't a really good guy. If the last few days were any indication, he'd say that was true. "I guess... I'm happy for you," Han said. But his voice didn't sound happy. 

"Han...."

"I have to go." 

Rand finally moved out of the way and Han opened the car door, sliding in and slamming it shut behind him. He couldn't drive away fast enough.