When the morning comes

16 | a helping hand

I knew she found it tough to talk about Benjamin's behaviour. She was younger. I was his father. I understood it, so I didn't mind when it was silent and she was trying to search for her words.

"I worry about Benjamin." Was what came out first. She looked up at me, her cheeks were rosy, but she pushed herself to talk. "I truly do worry about him. His behaviour is getting out of hand and to be honest, I don't know if I can take it much longer. I've asked colleagues to observe his behaviour and they did- they thought the same about a certain thing.."

I gave her a questionable look. Not knowing where her words were leading to. Or maybe I did know, but didn't want it to go there.

"If his behaviour doesn't change within a month or two, we need to be consequent and send him to another school." Her face was red by now, she looked down for a brief moment before she collected herself and cleared her throat. "I have some reports here, of when the other teachers observed his behaviour.. there's written down what he does. Not to denigrate him in any way, but just to give you an insight about the situation."

Her words struck to me and instantly, I felt short of breath. I played with my ring, shoved it up and down rapidly. No, not a different school. I closed my eyes for a moment, prayed to God that it wasn't needed. I had let Aurora down. Properly. In the deepest of deepest well. I couldn't have this happening- I didn't want to push Aurora deeper into the bottom of the well. Through the mud. Her raising. Her beliefs. Her norms and values. Our raising. Our beliefs. Our norms and values.

When I opened my eyes, I had to blink a few times to get a clear view. Her hand was outstretched, with the reports of his behaviour. I took them from her. Read them. Sentence for sentence. Word for word.

Wears his cowboy hat after several requests of taking it off. Kicks his classmates underneath the table when given a test. Starts making noises during the thirty minutes of reading independently. Fights other boys during recess. Rude in communication when a simple question is asked. Turns around on his chair during the morning opening. Sits onto the table during the fifteen minutes of singing, with his fingers stuffed in his ears. Excludes himself from the group. Shuts himself off. Screams randomly in class. Walks away from school.

I didn't recognise Benjamin in this. Yes, he did have Aurora's temper, but it was preserved. He wasn't afraid to speak out his thoughts when something was unfair to him- when injustice appeared. His voice would be loud, his Italian temper would appear, but when it came to his emotions, he never showed them. They were stuffed away, somewhere deep into his mind. He wouldn't act out on them, he had never done that before.

"Zev, Benjamin has been through something rather.. intense." Blake swallowed. I could tell that she was nervous for my response. "It is awful, for a child like him, especially a boy you know? Where society teaches them that crying is lame, that showing emotions is for girls only. He went through the process of hearing his mother was sick. Heard that there was nothing to do about it anymore. Saw his mother when she wasn't alive anymore. The funeral. The smack that came afterwards when it came to him grieving, processing everything that had happened.. and it pains me that we have to make a decision soon, but his behaviour is so intense.. sometimes my guts feel heavy because I know I have to work and-" She stopped talking, turned red again. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

"You shouldn't have to feel that way. You'll be crossing your own borders." I said quietly. It was almost inaudible. Went back through the year in my mind, wondering where it went wrong. If it was the way I raised him. Treated him after Aurora's death. If it were his own mind.

"It's difficult, if I may be honest." Blake took a sip of her water, gave me an apologetic look. "I asked my director to hold this conversation. I'm not very good at it." She laughed sheepishly, tried to enlighten the mood. "He's a lovely boy.. something just isn't going well. We offer play therapy in the afternoons after school. Maybe it's something to consider.."