All is Found

37

            Lately they have become so bad that I don't sleep anymore. My mind is out to get me right now and I don't know what to do to stop it. Doctor Blake could see it in the few sessions we have been able to have and prescribed me sleeping pills because of it. I don't like taking them though because when I do wake up the next day I'm so out of it, it's hard to function let alone play a set. So my only option has been staying awake most of the night, get a few hours of sleep and drink so much coffee Alyssa started to get worried she called Thea.

            Being in Europe has definitely put stress on Thea and I's relationship. Slowly but surely she's recovering from her injury and her arm healed up nicely. She has spent most of her time since I've left on desk duty and is working on getting cleared. When we get home after tour she just has her final physical with the department doctor and she will be cleared to go back to active duty.

            Things have been tense for us lately. The time difference has been a killer. Between Thea being at the station, physical therapy, meeting with her therapist and hanging out with Lindsey and me country hopping with different time zones, press and shows we haven't really talked to each other. Since I've come to Europe we've only really facetimed twice I think. Phone calls are usually short but frequent with texts thrown in as well but our communication has been lacking.

            Up until I went away on this tour I didn't realize how much of an impact Thea has on my mental health. She has been a light in my darkness since we met and it has taken me way too long to realize that this isn't healthy. Our lack of communication has impacted my mood this much and has fed my nightmares.

            I don't know how everyone has been able to put up with me lately. When I do manage to get some sleep, I've been waking up screaming. Nikki helps me some nights to calm me down, others it's Alyssa. Some nights I just push them all away and lock myself in the bathroom to be alone with my panic.

            Last night was a bad night. We are staying in a hotel for the next few nights before the show in Luxembourg and I had a night terror that Thea died. It sent me into a tail spin so hard that I had a panic attack. What made it worse was that Thea wasn't answering her phone. I was so loud that Diego and Alyssa heard me from there hotel rooms and had the hotel manager open my door to check on me. When they found me Alyssa almost had them send me to the hospital because of how manic I was. The only thing that stopped it was that Nikki was able to get Thea on the phone and she talked me down. Alyssa forced me to take a sleeping pill and Nikki stayed to watch me.

            Waking up I found Nikki asleep in the bed next to mine. Britt is sitting in the arm chair by the window, Diego and Alyssa are both playing chess at the small table in the room. What surprised me was Eli leaning against the wall playing with his phone. It took me a few minutes to remember what happened yesterday and when I did I just felt like crying. Feeling that out of control again scared me.

            Britt noticed I was awake first and kicked Alyssa's chair which got her attention. Soon everyone's eyes were on me and I hated it. My skin was crawling and I just wanted to be left alone to shower and get my head together.

            "How are you feeling?" Eli was brave enough to ask.

            "Really?" I asked back and rubbed my face.

            "We are really worried here Ashlyn; we don't know what to do to help you. We can back out of the rest of the tour if you need to. I'm not going to put you in a situation where you are not okay to perform." Alyssa said.

            "Backing out of the tour stresses me out more. We don't have much longer left and Thea will be here soon. I can make it through. When I get home I'm going to talk to Doctor Blake about possibly going somewhere to help me. But leaving right now is not an option. If I played through my siblings murder I can get through this." I made clear.