Kairosclerosis ✔ [poetry]

ferrule

but never, not once,

i truly belong in my own skin,

in my own voice.

something is always amiss.

a gap, between people and me

that couldn't be filled

with lame jokes or loud laughter.

and now, in this foreign land,

where eyes are unkind,

and mouths are unforgiving.

every sentence prying past my front teeth

is ridiculed with grammar errors.

every giggle rising in my throat

quickly compressed from nervousness.

i miss you

everyday.

every night.

every lunch time.

every once in awhile.

sometimes, i want to weep

weep for myself.

weep for my loneliness,

weep for my love.

god is cruel.

he didn't give me a reason

for our time together.

for taking us away from each other.

for not letting me forget you

without guilt.

i am powerless.

can't cut off the growing distance

between the world and me.

how can i take a leap of faith

when the giant hole inside my chest

seems impossibly endless?

i tried to befriend a girl.

a quiet one,

likes to draw,

likes anime,

a backdrop to the class,

closed,

too realistic.

similar to you.

even her zodiac sign is the same as yours.

a substitute

for you.

a version of yours in this new, cold country.

pathetic, am i?

seeking comfort from a stranger

who isn't bound to be mine.

yet i want to convert her.

like what i did to you,

so she would talk to me

get me

become friends with me.

i want to recreate fate's magic,

and will a soulmate into existence

through sheer hope and frustration.

a sketchy plan

doomed to fail.

but i can't give up

because at the very least,

maybe,

she'd somehow be able to heal my wound.

even though she can't.

even though i know she can't recreate you.

i keep thinking about

our childish promise.

i would settle in canada,

and you would come to learn in the us.

and together, we reunite.

even when we said the words,

we knew it wouldn't be true.

yet, strangely, i am looking forward to it

in vain.

in desperation.

the naive wish saves me

it is a future i crave:

to be with you, again.

a dream i keep close to my heart

as a lifesaver

amidst the chaos of this new life.

i wonder

do you feel like me too?

do you miss me too?

as much as i miss you.