Kairosclerosis ✔ [poetry]

sugar crash

26

SUGAR CRASH

⸻

first girl i kissed

tasted like coffee caramel.

the sugary kind that left bitter aftertaste

cloying the back of my tongue;

the kind i used to swipe from the convenience store

behind my pop's back.

the kind my pop wouldn't let me try,

'cause he knew i'd be hooked.

didn't remember her name.

didn't remember how we got together.

but i kissed her,

and she kissed me back.

with more enthusiasm than i needed

with more eagerness than necessary.

wet moans pressed against my neck.

dark skin, warm under my palms.

solid rib cages and collarbones

trembled underneath my blunt fingertips.

her touches,

my world,

narrowed to

the sensations of her lips pressing against mine;

my frame pushing her body down into the mattress;

winter afternoon light filtering through the window,

a bare ghost of sunlight lingered on my eyelids.

she wasn't beautiful.

all cutting angles,

no particular charms.

though her stupid poised low laughter

hard,

smooth,

sent chemistry rushes fuzzing through my bloodstream.

she didn't mind when i urged her closer,

didn't care if my kisses were sloppy,

didn't worry when my hands slipped

under the hem of her shirt.

she said she was unbreakable.

break her apart, if i want.

within this thin skin container

she was born and raised into,

her naked self didn't stop at the flesh and hair.

it begins at the bone marrows and burning blood

made of stones and arrows.

but the candy is only good if i savour it.

like eve, sinking her teeth into the crisp flesh

of the forbidden fruit,

i want her to melt

gradually

from the wallowing heat of my mouth,

the wanton warmth of my words,

the deliberate senselessness of my movement.

kissing the girl

was like eating one of those coffee caramel candies

behind my pop's back.

i was addicted

to the feeling,

to the implications

to the consequences.

we kissed once

twice,

more. probably.

didn't stop.

the kisses snowballing, snowballing,

snowballing until we bursted open:

a spray of dust and particles.

i couldn't say whether i loved it because

it was amazing

or i loved it because

i did it and i got away with it.

i only knew: i wanted to do it again,

and again,

and again,

for that fleeting euphoria,

hurtling through the plateau of life

to catch the high,

the powerful feeling

having something i wasn't supposed to want,

to have,

yet having them rolling at the tip of my tongue,

tucking at the back of my teeth.

a stolen secret.

a lovely sweet-bitterness.

but the caramel coating

dissolved.

we pushed each other too far,

yelled at each other too often.

the sweet taste, turning acrid.

'cause she was unbreakable,

while i was unwilling to break.

the black coffee core of the candy

became the bitter parts neither of us learnt to let go.

and everything between us felt

momentous.

wrong and unhealthy.

there was a gaping hole in my head

where the shallow dopamine would have filled.

a numb sensation,

where reality didn't quite register.

like a sugar crash, after the candy had melted.

like the bitter aftertaste

loitering at the back of my throat.

like my subconscious,

wanting to swallow another candy.