Lost Without You

~5~

That was actually the best option. I agreed, and dialled Mum's number, realising that even though our relationship has never been the best, I did miss her over the year I spent in the castle.

After assuring her that I had had a great time and I was fine-- apparently she thought I sounded somehow different-- I told her that I would be staying at Lia's tonight. Mum accepted my decision without objections this time. She didn't generally approve of my sleepovers, but she didn't like me moving around London late at nights alone either. Mum was nearly as interfering and strict as my Katerina...

"What now?" Lia asked after I hung up. "We still have a lot of time to wait."

I looked around the lounge surrounded by duty-free shops.

"If I have to go to work tomorrow, I must do some shopping. I need a skirt." I announced, looking at my jeans. I was feeling strange dressed in tight trousers, and I was sure it was not going to change soon.

"You need what?" Lia asked, her eyes nearly popping out of their sockets. "I've seen you wearing a skirt about ten times in as many years! Who are you and what have you done to my friend?"

She stood up and walked over to me, putting her hand on my forehead, checking if I had a fever.

I stood up too, shaking her hand off. "You don't have to come with me, why don't you stay with Lucas?" I asked looking at the young man who glanced at us distractedly from the screen of his tablet on hearing his name.

"There's no way I'm leaving you alone," she said. "If you are staying here, Lucas, would you mind watching my bag, and our jackets?" She asked him, taking my green jacket and putting it on top of her things, on the free seat next to Lucas.

He only nodded, already immersed in chatting on some social network, judging by the way he was grinning at the screen and the speed of his fingers flying over the keyboard of the device.

We walked in and out of a few shops before I found a long winter skirt made of moss green velvet reminding me of one of the dresses I wore in my other life. My wedding dress, I thought, blinking away a couple of tears. I caressed the soft fabric, letting it slip among my fingers absentmindedly, trying to keep my memories at bay.

The shop assistant, materializing from behind the clothes racks at my side, took my apparent emotion for a sign of appreciation.

"It's beautiful isn't it? The colour would suit you perfectly. It's artificial velvet, it doesn't really crease and you can wash it in the washing machine..." The girl recited in English which I wouldn't really be able to understand if I didn't speak Romanian.

"That's not your style at all. It looks like something taken out of my mum's wardrobe." Lia hissed in my ear. "A floor-length skirt? Is there anything more impractical to wear in the streets of London in the winter than this? That thing will get wet and dirty in..."

"I'll take it. Thank you." I spoke to the shop assistant, ignoring Lia while checking the size. The skirt was so wide and long that there was no point to try it on, it would fit anyone. "Do you have something similar in a different colour, too? Grey, maybe?" I asked the girl who was still smiling at us politely, seemingly lost in Lia's fast spoken English, confused by her not quite flattering words.

"It's official." Lia announced when she noticed how much I paid for my two skirts as we exited the shop. "My friend has gone crazy. You could have bought four pairs of jeans in your favourite shop for this amount of money!"

"Lia. Calm down. Are you coming with me over there?" I asked, indicating a small bookshop on the other side of the hall.

She only nodded, following me to my destination.

"Do you have any good books on Romanian history?" I asked the middle-aged man who welcomed us in the shop.

"We do, but only in Romanian, I'm afraid." He said, preceding us towards the most distant corner.

There, on a small table, lay several large books with beautiful, shiny covers and photographs. I leafed through all of them, finding out that the majority only contained the information I had read online before coming here, or learned first hand over the year. When you only stayed ten minutes...

"Are you a historian, young lady?" The man asked me when I chose the biggest one of the books, titled Rise and decline of the Principalities of Wallachia and Moldavia.

I remembered Katerina telling me where my parents came from and hoped to find something more about my original family in that book. But more than anything, I needed something to keep my mind busy.

"She is just... weird like that," Lia muttered while I paid, before I could reply, making the shop assistant smile.

"Shame that there's not enough time to buy you new shoes," Lia said, looking at the board announcing departures when we walked out of the shop, "you can't possibly wear those skirts with your white trainers."

"They'll be fine for tomorrow. I'll think about shoes later," I shrugged.

We reached the spot where our friends were seated and Lia put all the things I bought in her hand luggage. Then the five of us moved to our gate together. 

On the plane we let Ann sit with the boys and Lia sat down next to me, in the row in front of them.

I was feeling exhausted again, but at least my nausea, for the first time in weeks, was completely gone. As the plane took off and ascended quite smoothly, and the air in the cabin filled with soft, constant whooshing of the engines, I had to fight against my sleepiness. I was afraid to fall asleep, knowing that I would most probably dream about Vlad again, and if I did, I would end up crying. So as Lia took out her textbook I stared at the black, endless nothingness behind the window, trying to plan my future rather than to think about the past.

Next Halloween I'd go back. I walked through the time passage once, so I could do it again, why not? But this time I would say my goodbyes to this world before leaving and stay there, with Vlad, no matter what. In the meantime, I'd force myself to get out of the bed every morning, go to work, and try to live my life like I did before...

Without him.

I wrapped my arms around my body, feeling cold and empty. You can do this. You must. For him.

One day of my ordeal was nearly over. There were three hundred and sixty four more to go.