This Is Not The End.

Chapter 20

I didn't understand why SWORD had kept it from me. Snuffs could've been a weapon, one bigger than Jack and the Flames, we could've revolutionised the way that we fought and defended against the Infected, but they made us believe that we were stupid and useless instead. I didn't get it. I was dangerous, I was important, I was powerful, but I wasn't. They'd taken that from me like they'd taken everything else.

My blood churned, and Beck could see it. He waved over to my dad, who nodded, and helped me up. I didn't even snap at him, I was steaming.

They'd taken away everything that made me special. They'd taken away everything that made me me. I'd never forgive them for that.

I didn't realise that I was outside until Beck obscured the red of my vision and gripped my shoulders.

"I get it, you're angry," he said. I pushed him off of me. "But, it's not gonna-"

"No, you don't get it!" I shouted, "You haven't been with them!"

"Skye, calm down,"

"Don't tell me to calm down! You don't know what it's like to feel worthless your whole life, to feel powerless your whole life!" I snapped, "It's not fair, and I'm done pretending to be okay with it!"

He opened his mouth to snap back at me, but he didn't. instead, he composed himself and clenched his hands into fists at his side, "Listen to me, there's nothing we can do now, we just have to-"

"I'm going on the raid," I said, interrupting him. I didn't want to listen to him, the sound of his privileged voice made me want to hit something, and I wouldn't hit him.

He sighed, "No, you're not,"

"Fucking watch me, mate," I threatened, "You can't tell me what to do,"

"Did you not hear yourself in there? It's a suicide mission!" he snapped, "As much as you want to pretend that this is your turning point, you're still, effectively, powerless,"

"You said you'd teach me,"

"And I will, but the raid is soon, it has to be, and there's never gonna be enough time,"

"Fine," I said, "Teach me the basics, teach me how to use a machete, teach me how to fire a gun – I don't care, just get me to the point where I'll be useful. I need to be powerful for that,"

He studied me, and rubbed his eyes, "No, you don't," he said, "I'll teach you, sure, but not if you're going on some power craze. I'm not going down that route with you,"

"Why not!"

"Because it's fucking dumb!" he threw his hands up, stepping back, "You're better than that,"

"Brave words for a guy who's only known me for two days," I raised my eyebrows at him, refusing to break my stare. He didn't know me, or what I could do. He didn't get to judge.

"You know what? Fine," he snapped, "I'll teach you, and you'll get big headed from your own obsession, and when we get to the raid you'll realise that – woah – I was right, but it'll be too late,"

He was just some upper-class, Tory prick. He didn't know me, and he didn't know what I'd been through. He didn't get to sit there with his flawless powers preaching about having an ego. I didn't deserve that, not from him.

God, I needed to get away, just for a moment to calm myself down. I could feel my blood pound in my ear and nothing made sense apart from the sheer rage. It swallowed me, and I let it. I was long since due an eruption.

"Where the hell are you going?" Beck called to me. I wasn't even aware I was moving until I returned from my thoughts and found I was storming off.

"Away!" I shot back, not turning my head to face him. He swore loudly but I couldn't hear him follow me – good. I didn't want him near me.

I didn't want to hear his voice.

I simmered at his words – how could he not understand my anger? How could he go on about how, basically, I'd be better off staying the same than actually learning what I could do? He didn't get it, and he never would. We were two ends of the apocalyptic spectrum, and we'd never see eye-to-eye.

I understood that, and I'd make sure he did too.

Letting myself collapse in a far corner of the base, I immediately grabbed a handful of grass and let it fall through my fingers. I couldn't see anyone, and that meant they couldn't see me. My eyes blurred with tears, but I pushed them away with my knuckle, gritting my teeth. This was not the place for tears, I would not let that happen.

I missed Kai. He always knew what to say – after the shocks or disciplines he'd always manage to bump into me, and then it was like nothing had ever happened, like we were two kids just existing with each other. We weren't living. Sometimes it was hard to distinguish us from the Infected we ran from, deep down we had as much life left in us as they did. I couldn't decide who was worse.

It was okay. I'd learn from Beck, as soon as I could face him again, and I'd get a grip. I'd find Kai and Jack and we'd be fine again; everything would be fine again. We couldn't stop the Infected, there were too many, but we could learn to deal with them. Jack knew, and Kai would learn. We'd run with The Resistance to somewhere safe – Canada – and we'd keep up our fight until we couldn't. Fear kept us alive.

Knocking my head back against a tree, I shut my eyes, breathing in the clear air. I used my jacket as a pillow and let the early summer wind rush against my arms for the first time in years. No one went back here which left it untouched for me to let my blood flow evenly and the anger expel from my lungs. It was okay. I'd be okay.

I didn't notice the birds stop chirping or the wind to die out, I didn't care enough to, and more importantly, I didn't hear the staggering Infected child perk up at the sound of my breaths and start to head towards me, hands tearing at its hollow eye sockets until it could get to mine.