My Professor's Secret

32|

We eat our food in silence—the uncomfortable kind that makes you want to crawl out of your skin or evaporate into the air—but we survive it. Once it's finally over, I borrow a phone charger from Lorelei then head back upstairs to my guest bedroom. It takes ages to even semi-settle my mind. Most of it was because of dad. I wondered what it felt like to be in his state. Had he been on the cusp of walking towards a light to the afterlife? In a field, slow dancing amongst wildflowers with our mother? At peace? Or were the consequences for his actions eternal damnation?

After a while, sleep eventually carries me away. The world around me continues, but still, I remain numb to it all. Even in my dreams, the burdens of life seem inescapable, and the relaxation I seek only claims an hour of my time.

The spot I've just risen from is soaked with the remnant of my terror. Images of Dad and the scene undoubtedly left behind haunted my subconscious. Every thought I had revolved around my dad. It's why coming here instead of going home ended up being the best solution. For now, at least. Whatever scene left behind couldn't stay there forever. My brother and I would be responsible for the cleaning just as we were when we convinced our father to move the bulk of our mother's possessions into a storage unit.

The night my brother got the call about dad, Lorelei was hysterical. She told EMTs everything that happened that day when she found him in the bathroom bloody and barely clinging to life. Earlier that night, the two of them spent time at the ice skating rink downtown then had dinner at some fancy restaurant. When they finished their outing of fun, Lorelei intended to call it a night to head home, but she realized she'd forgotten her bag inside our house just before pulling off.

That's when she heard the gun go off.

I snap myself out of my thoughts and grab ahold of my phone. There was a message from Taylor asking if anything had changed and, surprisingly, even one from Wyatt and Sawyer. Wyatt wanted to know if I'd decided to be his partner for the play, and Sawyer wondered where I'd been because Josh was worried about not seeing me at work. There's no interest in replying to them at the moment, so instead, I scroll past to find one name in particular. The only one that seemed to insight the slightest bit of comfort was Trevor—and Taylor—but I was afraid that her recent kindness was due out of obligation and not because she genuinely wanted to.

Perhaps I could've fought the urge to drag Trevor into it, but I left in such a hurry that confirmation of my wellbeing was needed. Maybe he'd let me get away from participating in that stupid play and talk Kevin out of firing me for missing my shift. Still, there's no contemplation whether or not to reach out once his name appears.

"Hello." The line is silent apart from the distant sound of a television. My call must've caught him off guard because he refuses to speak, most likely trying to come up with an explanation on why I called him. He wouldn't find the answer because even I had no idea. What could he offer me with the distance between us? A better question, what could he give me in general? I shouldn't have called him, but now it was too late. "I realize this may be inappropriate, but I have no one else to turn to," I say, fighting my best to keep my emotions from overtaking me, but my tone's instability prevails.

Everything I'd been holding back about my mom, dad, and Chris started to pour out of me in uncontrollable sobs. As if he needed another reason to be freaked out by me and my incisive need to be close to him. The only good thing that might've come from this situation is that he'd want nothing to do with me anymore. I'd be free from this pathetic schoolgirl crush on him, and he wouldn't have to worry about my constant advances. I expect the receiving line to sound, but it's his voice that comes to life in my ear.

"Hey... Is everything alright?" Trevor pauses, anticipating a response. I try to urge my tongue to move, but all I hear is the sound of my cries. "Whatever it is, we can talk about it if it's making you this upset. Do you want to meet at my office in ten? Or, if you need a ride to the office, I can pick you up. We can go to Hoa's."

If only the invitation had been prompted without me being an emotional wreck, I would've been flattered, but the pain was all there was. This is real life. Not where the girl gets the guy and lives happily ever after. No. I'd never be blessed with happily ever afters. My life thus far has yet to prove me wrong. Through my self-pity, the intensity in my belly settles enough for him and me to have a conversation.

"Figured Taylor had already told you." I manage, full of congestion.

"She told me not to ask her anything about you after Rachel told her what went on between us. Said she didn't want to be involved if questions arose," he says. "I was worried when you didn't show up for class. Did something happen after we left work? I should've offered to drive you."

Somehow he still had time to make me his problem and I knew that after telling him about what happened with my dad, he would try to intervene in that. Nonetheless, I tell him everything about my return to Dreycott, about dad. The only thing I withhold is the probability of him being the father to a child on the way.

"We left when we found out our dad was in intensive care. He had to have a portion of his skull removed to accommodate the swelling in his brain. He's in a medically induced coma until the doctors feel his body is ready to function without machines." Before I could commend myself on the fact that I managed to get all of that out without another emotional outbreak, Trevor is already asking for the reason there was swelling, to begin with.

In all honesty, lying felt like the right thing to do. Especially with the boundaries he and I had already crossed, there's nothing to prevent me from revealing the truth, which makes its way out of my mouth. He is the only one that knew what happened to dad apart from the three of us. I expect a dramatic response of condolences, but they don't arrive.

Trevor's side of the line remains voiceless, though it feels as if the pressure in my chest begins to dissipate. Perhaps it was a wild thought, but emotions have a way of persisting despite the distance between us. His shred of comfort taints the air.

"What can I do to help?"

Hold me? Kiss me? As much relief his presence brought via phone, Trevor couldn't fill this void festering within me no matter how much he might've wanted to—regardless of how much I secretly may have wanted him to.

"I should probably go," I mumble. No need to drag on an uneventful conversation. "You know... To get back to my dad."

Maybe it was the bit of control this moment gave me. Perhaps it was my way of trying to set my terms. It didn't matter. My dad needed me now. Trevor had his endeavors to tend to, and with a baby on the way that could be his, there was nothing left between us. Not that there was ever anything, to begin with.

"Are you sure? I don't mind staying on if you need to vent or-or whatever," he huffs.

"Trevor," I pause. I gave myself a moment of silence to confirm that this was what I wanted. "I'm sure. We shouldn't be speaking to each other anyways. Not with how I feel about you or Meghan being pregnant with a child that could be yours. You're my professor, and I don't know how I got caught up in this fantasy of you and me being together."

And then I'm staring at myself through the black screen of my locked phone. My reflection haunts me until the person I wanted to hear from brings the screen alive. Taylor. Despite it all, she was the one that made opening up worth something. Even though I knew she would be there for me through this situation, I remained hesitant as the phone continued to ring. Had Trevor prompted her call because of what I revealed to him about her sister? Did he tell her the real reason my dad was in the hospital or did my absence genuinely cause her to care about my being away?  We hadn't squashed the tension between us entirely, even though we had a few cordial conversations. Still, I find myself bringing the phone to my ear upon answering

"Am I interrupting something?" she questions. "I only ask because it took a while for you to answer the phone. I can let you go if you're busy."

"No need. I was just on the phone with Trevor. Did he tell you to call me to get me to talk?"

"He did not. It's bizarre to me that the two of you are on a first-name basis. Anyways, I figured I'd check up on you to see if there are any changes in your dad's condition," Taylor says. "And maybe because I miss having you home. It's been way too quiet here."