A Symphony of Devotion: The Start [Demi Lovato]

[38] Soteriophobia

I lie there, staring up at the ceiling while Devonne drops another handful of Nerds into my mouth. "So you've honestly never tried Toad in a Hole before?"

"Never."

My head is resting on her lap, almost the same way hers was on mine in the car. I tilt it up to catch her eyes, then smile and return my gaze to the ceiling. "It's really good. You should try it sometime."

"Right, because I'm totally just going to bump into someone British who'll make that for me."

I laugh quietly, my eyes sliding close before I stuggle to open them. "Are you staying the night?"

Devonne runs a hand through my hair. "That depends. Do you want me to?"

I weigh my desire for Devonne to stay with me against the consequences of her doing so, then answer, "Yes."

"Okay, then. I'll stay the night."

"Good." I smile.

Devonne makes me so inexplicably happy, but not in that way anymore. At least, I hope it's not in that way. She's just always so happy and cheery and it makes me forget how it feels to be lonely, surrounded only by the voices in my head and my troubles.

"I have to shower, but I don't wanna get up," I say, with my eyes closed.

Devonne takes the opportunity of my mouth being open to drop more Nerds into it. "Then don't shower."

"But I feel gross." I sigh. "Okay, force me up."

She laughs as her hands squeeze under my back and push me up. "Jesus, you're so lazy, Kenzie. Go shower."

I stick my tongue out at Devonne as I head for my closet and pick out a jumper and sweatpants. Then I warn, "Don't go anywhere," before closing the bathroom door behind me. I strip my clothes off and get into the shower.

So in one day alone, Devonne has managed to get us from strangers to friends and now to best friends. At this rate, we'll be married in a week. There is literally nothing this girl can't do, but I'm not going to let it go that far.

It's impossible to find a word to describe what we were back then. Were we dating? I mean, I always insisted we weren't, but just friends don't kiss and get lost in each other's eyes every other minute.

I didn't know what we were back then, but I'm going to make sure I know what we are now. I'll accept being best friends with Devonne, because it seems to make her happy, and it makes me happy as well, so it's a win-win situation, right?

Her words from yesterday seem to ring in my head as I massage shampoo into my hair. 'I can't live without talking to you.' But she did. She went a whole month without talking to me.

Devonne said her dad made her do it. Do what? Break up with me? We weren't even officially dating, anyway. What could her dad have against me? I'm certain that I've never seen him before the party in my life.

I step out of the shower, drying myself off before getting dressed. Then I hang my towel, unlock the door, and walk across the room to where Devonne is seated at my desk. "What are you doing?"

She smiles as she holds the polaroid of the both of us together from the party up. "You kept these."

"Obviously. Didn't you?"

"Of course. But I just thought you would've thrown them away. Considering you thought I hated you."

Devonne gets to her feet and wraps her arms around me. "And just to be clear, I never hated you." She's whispering, but every word is loud to me because her lips are at my ear. "I never, ever hated you." And then she's vanished into the bathroom.

Do I believe that she never hated me? I don't know. Do I? Maybe everything I've thought was true about her wasn't. Maybe she's as fucked up in the head as I am. Maybe we have more things in common than I've thought.

When Devonne steps out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, I'm hit by the realization of how stunning she looks in sweatpants and without makeup before I remind myself that I shouldn't be thinking of her in that way.

She yawns, and I quickly stand up. "Are you tired?"

Devonne shrugs. "I guess. I mean, we have school tomorrow, so.."

"Okay, then, come on, I'll take you to the guest room."

She frowns in disapproval. Yep, she totally didn't expect that.

"Oh.." Devonne seems to be at a loss for words. "I just thought we'd be sleeping together in your room, right, bestie?"

Okay, she definitely did not see this coming. But I'm not dumb. If I let her sleep in here with me, she's gonna pretend to move in her sleep and kiss me or something.

"Nope, besties or not, you're sleeping upstairs." I laugh, before starting for the door. "Come on, let's go up."

"Fine." Devonne sighs, but follows me up the stairs, although a pout remains on her lips. "You're so mean to me."

I know I'm mean. God, I hate how I am, but I can't seem to change it. It comes out like.. Like word vomit. Like Lindsay Lohan on Mean Girls.

I open the door to one of the guest rooms. "I'm mean to everyone. Don't take it personally."

Devonne climbs into the bed, lies down, then sits up to look at me, where I've taken position by the door, arms crossed and eyebrows raised.

"Can you stay with me for, like, five minutes? Please? What kind of a person would leave her best friend alone in a room in a strange house?"

I roll my eyes. "Fine. Five minutes. But after that, I'm going back to my room."

Devonne's face brightens considerably, but her only response is to lie down and duck under the covers.

I turn the lights off, groping my way through the darkness to the bed. But as soon as my head hits the pillow, Devonne's arms wind around me, pulling me to her as she rests her head in the crook of my neck. "Goodnight, bestie."

I stare up at the ceiling as Devonne intertwines our legs together, trying to lock my senses out to the warmth and security her body against mine gives. "Night, Dev."

She's practically lying on me now, but it feels really good. I can smell the grape scent of my shampoo that she used intermingled with her perfume. God, it smells like heaven.

My eyes slide close multiple times as I wait for the five minutes to pass, but I force them open each time.

When I'm sure more than five minutes has passed, I gently start to push Devonne's arms off of me, beginning to wriggle out of her grasp. But then she only clings tighter to me, and mumbles, "You said you'd stay."

"For five minutes, Dev. I said I'd stay for five minutes."

Devonne sighs. "Just stay. Please."

I give up.

"Okay."

She smiles. "Good."

"Good."

"Fine." The word leaves her lips in a whisper. She's almost asleep now.

"Fine."

It's silent for a minute, and then I hear her mumble, "I love you."

My heart skips a beat as my eyes widen. The possibility that I heard her wrong or that my imagination made it up is vast, but I'm almost entirely sure I heard right.

Jesus. See, this is why I didn't want to let her sleep with me.

Despite my first prejudices, her touch is comforting, and I fall asleep beside her in minutes.

Devonne appears in my dreams that night. We're in some sort of tent in a garden, and she's fixing a wreath of flowers around my head before she leans down and kisses me.

And, although I'm unwilling to admit, I liked it.