Prince Charming Must Die

45. Idols and Trophies and Princes, Oh My!

"Breathe deeply," Sadira suggested. "You're fluttering like a lightning bug trapped in a jar."

"Relax, Ashley," Derek said through pins in his mouth. He removed them one at a time to fix the hem. "I don't want to stick you. Well, I do want to stick you, but I'll try to hold back. You cannot rush my artistry. Also, no bride of any worth is on time for her wedding. Make the guests wait for it. Make 'em want it."

"I'm not getting married, Derek. As you well know. I wish that were all I had to worry about. The problem is that tonight there will be blood spilled, and I've no idea whose it will be. Mine, Charming's, yours—" Ashley looked at all her friends. She couldn't bear the thought of losing any of them.

"Not mine, darling," Derek said. "I hereby proclaim as Prince of Over the Rainbow and the most handsome in the land, that all my blood will stay inside this perfect vessel of humankind. Can't speak for any of the rest of you."

"Don't worry, Ash," Sadira said, glaring at Derek. "We've already taken out two evildoers. Only one more to go. We're good at this."

"Yeah," Tressa piped up. "That's a sixty-six and two-thirds percent success rate."

Blanche set down her plate, licking her fingers. "All that remains is for us to take down the lying, cheating, ancient evil of the Seven Kingdoms," Blanche said. "Who deserves everything you will do to him."

"Hear hear, Blanche. The bedswerving son of a harlot has committed a plethora of crimes." He removed a roll of parchment from his pocket. "I have a list right here. It will help you, Ashley, in understanding the righteousness of our quest." He cleared his throat.

"Using marriage to all of us to accumulate wealth and titles.

"Cruelty to the people of the kingdoms—living in opulent castles while his subjects live in squalor.

"Aiding and abetting the kidnapping and torture of children.

"Dragon murder and parsnip obliteration.

"Treating women as objects.

"Cheating - on spouses, cards, sports, death.

"Pillaging the coffers of stolen kingdoms.

"Laughed at his subjects during Quarterly Tribunal, he dishonorably referred to as Whinging Week.

"Abusing the arts to boost his fragile ego, i.e., statues of him everywhere.

"Terrible in bed.

"That last one is enough of a reason he should meet his maker today," Derek sneered.

"Good list, Derek. All you need to remember, Ashley," Layyin said, "is that Prince Charming must die."

"Correct," Derek said with a final flourish of a snip. "Stand and admire."

Ashley stood. Druscilla's ugly monstrosity of a gown was now a shabby chic mermaid-shaped, narrow-silhouetted frill.**

"It's lovely, Derek. But why do you all persist in reminding me of Charming's crimes?" Ashley said. "Do you think I'm mentally impaired?"

"No, we know you're mentally impaired," Kai said. "Look at you. You're positively covered in pigeon droppings."

"Sit back down," Layyin said. "I missed a spot."

Ashley sat.

"True," Derek said. "But that's not her fault. Hon, we just don't trust you to kill anyone, no matter how evil. So far, your kill score is zero. How can you survive the entire narrative without killing, when the story is entitled Prince Charming Must Die?"