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@MizarFay

warning: i am a perfectionist who loves giving advice, so please do not let my advice overwhelm you! i simply write a lot because i want to be as helpful as possible and get my points across clearly. in addition, i'm LOOKING for issues in your writing. that's the point of these reviews, so don't feel bad if i have a lot of notes <3

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the unexpected concert | MizarFay

- flowww! there are a lot of details about the morning routine, and this sorta affects the flow of your story. a good rule to follow when writing: emphasize what's important and cut down what's not. a scene in which the reader finds out they've got tickets to the concert? important. a morning routine or the whole shopping process at the mall? not so much. i'm not saying you can't write that the reader goes through their morning routine, but don't drag it out because it really doesn't matter in the overall story, yk?

- wording. this pertains to the "knock knock" part in which jesse is at the door. this may just be me personally, but i think the whole "knock knock" thing is just a tad bit clunky? for example, i would've written something more along the lines of "an aggressive knock at the door makes you jump, eyes bugging out. 'jesus, at 6:30 in the morning?' you mumble, setting down your tea and making your way to greet the intruder of your peaceful morning." writing things out like this adds a bit more flavor to your story!

- use dialogue more than thoughts. i think rather than writing in, for example, how surprising it is that someone is at the door at 6:30 AM, maybe include it in the dialogue (like how i did in the last note). this gets the point across while maintaining story flow and just making the story overall smoother and more colorful, if you get what i mean!

- watch out for awkward words! it's very easy to want to replace commonly used phrases, like "sighing," but sometimes, these common phrases can be good. i'm referring to when you said "exhaling through your nostrils"-- while yes, you did get the point across, using the word nostrils and really describing it out makes it a little obvious that you were looking for a replacement (i don't mean this in a mean way at all, i've done it too!!). these commons phrases that we try to substitute out can definitely be used, just in moderation! try to avoid awkward words like "nostrils" that may throw the reader off/make them uncomfortable. 

- good descriptions! use more figurative language! this is about when you said something about staring at jesse like she'd grown a second head. AWESOME! describing how characters react and everything like that adds a lot to the story and really helps in terms of visualization. do this more!! and i LOVE that it was a simile! figurative language is more than an annoying lesson we're forced to learn in english class; use it!

- check for accuracy. this refers a bit to the "awkward words" note: when you said "pupils enlarge slightly", check to make sure that makes sense. in the context, i think you meant that the reader was surprised, but pupils enlarging usually indicates attraction. while pupils enlarging sounds like a good replacement phrase, it doesn't have the same meaning that you intended. it's super easy to want to use replacement words, but it's MUCH more important to make sure that the word you're using means exactly what you want to and isn't just a loose-synonym of your true intent. just make sure to check that before you write it!

- fix your sentences. i caught just a few run-on/incomplete sentences, so just make sure that all of your sentences are complete as you go through your story. and have a variety of them: short, long, simple, complex, etc. this makes it so that not every sentence is the same structure, which gets very monotonous for the reader. this sort of stuff takes practice, and you've just gotta learn to be mindful about it as you write! i like to always read over what i've written every once and a while and reformat some sentences to fix the flow and make sure i've got a good variety.