the relation of art and pain | jotakak

xvi

Kakyoin had nearly forgotten the reason he has been so upset over Kishibe, and the entire project altogether. He only knows how pissed off it makes him to think of his teacher. He often forgets things, especially when they are not negative. The other projects he had been assigned helped force it into the background as well. Everything comes rushing back when, while curled up on his dorm room's couch watching a movie, Jotaro breaks the silence.

"I have an idea for our project. Thing."

"Yes?" Kakyoin asks. A deep frown is set on Jotaro's face, one that makes him a little anxious to hear what he has to say.

"Can you paint someone like they're..." Jotaro tries to find the right word, scrunching up his face as if it's painful to do. "Faded?"

"Like a ghost," Kakyoin offers.

"Yeah," Jotaro nods. He says his next words slowly, as if he is not completely sure of them himself. "I want my dad in it this time, like that... It sounds pretentious when I say it out loud," he admits.

"We can do that," Kakyoin says. "But what happened?"

"Stuff," is all Jotaro says. They leave it at that, though Jotaro gradually scoots closer until their arms touch. Only then does he look relaxed.

-

Holly greets Kakyoin the next time he visits. It had slipped his mind that Jotaro's classes end at weird times, and he has an hour to wait until he comes back. She insists he come in regardless, giving him a warm smile that only mothers are able to give.

"It gets lonely without JoJo here," she admits, sitting across from Kakyoin at the small dining table. She had offered him coffee, but he had declined.

"You could get a dog," Kakyoin offers, unsure of what to say.

"There are a few stray cats that wander around, and I feed them," she says. She waves a hand dismissively, her mood lightening. "I'm just being a grumpy old woman. JoJo said you two are working on your project again?"

Kakyoin nods. "I have a question about that. I don't want to pry, but..."

"Go on?"

"Jotaro is tight-lipped about his dad," he begins. "And—"

"And you want to know what all happened with him," Holly finishes. In retrospect, Kakyoin thinks, it's probably a question that she often gets.

"If you wouldn't mind."

From the start, Holly came across as an outgoing, open person. They had had pleasant little chats when Kakyoin arrived a few minutes before Jotaro, but he never got a true insight on to how she was or how she thought. Now, it is clear to him that she can become reserved — rightfully so, in this case, but reserved nonetheless. It reminds him of Jotaro.

Jotaro's father, Sadao, was a working man before he was a father. With a sad smile, Holly points out how ironic it is that everything was always about his work, even their divorce. He was there for Jotaro for a few years now and again, but it was never what Holly considered enough.

Mothers always have a way of oversharing embarrassing, personal details. In the back of his mind, Kakyoin feels a bit strange hearing so much about Jotaro from someone else. Despite that, he believes he better understands the meaning behind what Jotaro asked for earlier this week.

"It was lonely," she admits, after a brief silence. "I was married, but I didn't have a husband."

Kakyoin thinks about his own issues, and says, "I can understand that."

Holly gives another warm smile. "I can see why JoJo likes you so much," she says.

Kakyoin's heart does a funny thing, but he asks anyways. "Why's that?"

"You're a good listener. He needs someone like that."

Holly was right, he decides, as he spends the rest of the afternoon and early evening with Jotaro. They finished thumbnailing hours ago, but Jotaro insisted that they at least do a preliminary sketch. Now, at around six o'clock, Kakyoin has a feeling he just wanted him to stay a little longer.

Jotaro stands behind him, looking over his work. It is extremely rough and simple, but it resembles Jotaro and the photo of Sadao he dug up for him well enough. Kakyoin can see a lot of Sadao in Jotaro's face; the thick eyebrows, the faint frown lines, the strong structure of his jaw and his crooked nose, though Kakyoin has been told the latter is from a nasty fight. He is not sure about the truth in that, but he finds the little bump in his bridge cute enough that it does not concern him.

"It looks good already," Jotaro comments. Kakyoin feels his tentative hands rest on his waist, and he smiles.

"Good. You look a lot like him, you know."

Jotaro grunts. "I guess so."

"You're much cuter, though," Kakyoin says. Jotaro does not meet his eyes when he turns around to look him, but the smile on his face is plain as day.

-

The next portrait leaves Jotaro considerably less solemn. He was far more pleased with offering up pictures of his late grandma. Kakyoin enjoyed seeing the happiness on his face as he looked through old photos. It was faint, as are all Jotaro's emotions, but it was there.

After their second evening of working on it, they went out to Tonio's. The hidden joy of Jotaro being a morning person and Kakyoin being unlucky is that after class, they have a good amount of the day left to spend together. Now, Kakyoin lays sprawled out on Jotaro's bed. The other man sits crossed legged beside him, sharing some biology fact that Kakyoin only half understands. It is nice to see him relaxed and happy, and Kakyoin notices an improvement in his own mood because of it.

They sit in quiet for a while, enjoying each other's company. Kakyoin thinks about their project, and realizes they have about a month left to finish it. The past few months have felt like mere days, despite all the ups and downs. Suddenly, insecurity gnaws at him. Once winter break hits, and they are presumably done with this, will Jotaro still be around?

Kakyoin wants to ask him, wants some confirmation, but he cannot find the confidence to do it. Something deep inside his mind says that he should not. So instead, he turns on his side and asks Jotaro to tell him more about ichthyology.