the relation of art and pain | jotakak

vii

Rereading his ichthyology notes and waiting for Kakyoin to come by the cafe, Jotaro thinks about that afternoon last week. He is hopelessly confused about what it meant, at least in a bigger picture sense.

They like each other. But now what?

Jotaro has only had a relationship once before. It wasn't much of one, either; they'd only been together so they could reinforce each others' drinking habits. Remembering her puts a bad taste in his mouth.

It fades when he hears Kakyoin greet him. It might only be hopeful thinking, but the artist's spirits seem to have lifted over the past week.

"You look a lot better than you did after the whole Kishibe thing," Jotaro comments, once he's settled himself across from him.

Kakyoin has to think about what he means. "Oh. Yeah. About that," he says, perking up as if Jotaro has reminded him of something. "Kishibe gave me a second chance."

"Second chance?" Jotaro inquiries.

"I can redo the project, if I can finish it before the end of the year. I won't get any class time, so it's going to take a lot more, but... do you want to try it again?" Kakyoin asks.

"'Course."

"Good. I think we should wait on it, though," he admits. "I don't know how long. Maybe a few months."

"Wait on it?"

"It would be useless to do it again and be told the same thing as last time," Kakyoin reasons. "So I think we should connect a little more. Y'know?"

Jotaro nods. They fall into their usual silence, Kakyoin sketching and Jotaro pretending to study while he watches him draw from the corner of his eye. His coffee goes cold before his brain processes what Kakyoin was insinuating and he feels utterly stupid.

We should connect a little more.

"You mean like a date, don't you?"

Kakyoin glances up from his sketchbook, pursing his lips to keep from smiling. "I did, yes."

"Then yes," Jotaro says. His face feels hot with embarrassment. If he's this bad right now, is he even prepared for class later?

"Good. Your face is cute, all red like that." Kakyoin drops the compliment so casually that Jotaro doesn't register it at first.

"Hey. None of that 'til the date," he warns, prompting an amused huff out of the other.

-

That evening, Jotaro doesn't make it past the kitchen before his mother greets him with a kiss on his cheek. Since he's in a good mood, he leans down to make it easier for the short woman. He likes Holly's welcome home kisses; he always has. For a long time, they were the only good part of his day.

"How was my boy's day?" She asks.

"Alright," he answers. Holly squints her eyes playfully.

"You're more than alright. What happened?"

Jotaro wanders how she could tell, but shakes it off. It isn't worth the headache. "Kakyoin has another project. He asked me to help out," he explains, leaving out the fact that they now have a date. "It's a redo, 'cause Kishibe didn't like the first one."

Holly nods. "That's too bad, but at least you two get to hang out more. Will he be over this week?"

"Probably, yeah."

"How about you find out what he likes to eat?" She suggests. "I'll make dinner and then you boys can go do your thing."

Jotaro frowns a little. "We're not kids, Mom. You act like this is a playdate."

"I know. You're kids to me, but I know," she says. "I'm just happy you've got a good friend."

Dinner consists of Holly grilling him for information about his new 'good friend'. It's clear that she's excited, to say the least. With his increasing discomfort, as he finally retreats to his room, his gaze drifts towards his desk drawer. One smoke wouldn't hurt, right?

Yes. It would, he silently chides.

But why does he have the pack of cigarettes if he won't let himself have even one? He doesn't know. He's sure that somewhere deep inside his mind it makes sense, but for now, he doesn't feel like analyzing himself to find the reason. He stretches and sighs and does his best to redirect his thoughts.

His date with Kakyoin. He'll focus on his date with Kakyoin instead.

Which of them decides where to go? Who picks up who? Jotaro has never dated a guy before — is there the same unspoken rule there is with women? He figures it's useless to worry about that, considering he doesn't understand women, either. Besides that, most of his advice about women was from his father, and look where his dating life went.

Jotaro runs his fingers through his hair. He has a few places in mind, but thinking about his father turns his craving into aching. He cannot focus on romance of any kind like this.

Just one cig, just one, just...

But he does his best to cut that chant off before it can get to him. His parents are done with each other. He doesn't have anything to think about in regards to Sadao, and certainly nothing to smoke about. Holly may have a framed photo from one of her ex-husbands concerts hanging above her bed still, and she may still be lonely without him while Jotaro is off at school; but Jotaro does not want him back in his life and never will. He wishes she had thrown that photograph out when they moved. It's a waste of a nail that he'd helped her hammer in the wall.

That thought settles his argument. He opens his desk drawer and pockets his little black lighter.

A stress relief cigarette never hurt anybody, he reasons, as he heads outside to light up.