The hands of time

The letter I regret (Letter 4)

April 1978

Tears are all I see streaming down my face through my vanity mirror. My Tom is no where near home. I have lost all contact with you/Tom. I regret saying go. I regret you leaving. I don't know what decisions to make without you. I have been sending letter after letter trying to get ahold of you and your just not answering back. Is it me? Is it us? Tom I don't know how to tell you this but in the letters I sent very personal information. I sent photos and I sent tears of joy. Tom I'm pregnant with your little girl. She's adorable and I am not handling the pregnancy very well. I'm sick Tom and I don't know what to do.

It reminds me of the day my mom took me to the fair. She was walking around with her boyfriend. It was noon and I looked adorable with my little pink bow. I was only about 5 years young and dad didn't want me around. Mom told me " daddy never wanted you but lucky for you I do.". Mom was never really nice. Her boyfriends would stay one night then leave the next. Her boyfriends were never really nice. I would wake up in the middle of the night to hear screaming. I later found out what kind of screams she was making. She never had a actual job but she had money. I later found out my mom was a Sex worker. The boyfriend she had at the fair wasn't like the ones she had before. This boyfriend stayed night and day over. The screams I heard this time was him burning her with a cigar because the food wasn't cooked right or he didn't like the way she looked. Her boyfriend was named Mike and he was loaded. He was a drug dealer. I didn't know what kind of job he had till I found some crack hidden between the walls. Unfortunately no one noticed the abuse Mike afflicted on me and my mom. I remember the first time he had hit her. She was still working her "job" without him knowing and he found out. He grabbed the spatula in the kitchen which was right next to the sink and went up to her face. He pushed her side wave away and kissed her. He said " the only thing you do as far as work is cook" showing her the spatula. He then smacked her with the spatula across her face. Mom looked at him and said " get the fuck out of my house". He grabbed his gun and shot her in the foot. My mom was terrified of him. He had hit me a couple of times but never like how he had hit my mom. Besides the point... when we went to the fair he told me "run off and play".. I did as he told me. I never knew why he took me to the fair until I realized it was his way of making money. He was making a transaction at the fair. I walked in the middle of it. I saw my life flash before my eyes. He pointed a gun at me and told me " do you know what the fuck this is ?" A random person saw him and called the cops. He picked me up and stuck me on his back. Mom ran after him. We got to the carriage. We went home and as soon as we got home he went inside the house. He said before getting out the carriage " I'm going to teach you a lesson. Just because your a girl don't mean shit. Your all bitches." That was the first and last time I saw my mom that scared for me. She stoled the carriage and took it to a old client of hers. He was a consistent customer. His name was George. He wasn't a good guy but he was better than the one mom was with. Mom left me there with him that day and up till I was 8 years old. I never saw her again. George took care of me and somehow mom didn't die when going home that night. She finally got in contact with my dad. My dad was in the service just like you Tom. Mom never got ahold of him because he didn't have her contact in the first place. She found out where he was because of the night he got her pregnant. He didn't go alone to her house. He brought a friend to the bar they met at. His name was Charles. Charles got with my moms friend Susie. Mom wasn't a sex worker at the time. Mom was just a cashier at the old country store on the corner.

Besides the point.... I was the color of what mom used to be. My arms were purple and blue from the IVs I have had from being in the hospital.

Tom, I have cancer. I don't know what to do for our little girl. I wanna be a better mom then mine was. I don't know. They say there's a chance I'll die before giving birth. They say she might not live. I'm 4 months and I can't stand. I love you. I wish you would reach out. The photos are included in the envelope with this letter. I hope you get this one.

Emily <3