Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

16 February, 1979 - Family (III)

But once again Sirius didn't seem to know how to answer and after perhaps a minute or so, Lavinia simply couldn't bear it anymore.

"Sirius?" she asked gently, stepping towards him a bit. "Are you...?"

"He never loved me, you know," Sirius burst out suddenly, interrupting her. Lavinia flinched slightly at the sheer volume and vehemence of the words. "Even before my sorting. I was alway a means to an end."

"Sirius," Lavinia murmured softly, her voice laced with concern as she recovered from her initial shock. She took another step forward, trying to gauge whether or not her touch would be comforting.

"And I never loved him," he added, his voice now tight, as he frowned and looked down at the floor.

"Sirius," Lavinia repeated, a little more forcefully. He looked up and his eyes meeting hers were full of confusion and guilt. "It's okay not to care that he's gone," she whispered, now standing directly in front of him. "You are under no obligation to love him." Which was true. Of course it wa true, but it was something Lavinia suspected that he, like her, struggled with. And she had decided that despite everything, part of her would always love her family. For no good reason at all. But he didn't have to come to the same conclusion. He didn't have to care.

Sirius sighed and his head dropped so his forehead rested on hers. "It feels like I should, though," he countered. "Like I'm supposed to care because... because... I just am."

Lavinia put her hand on his shoulder, her touch as gentle as she could make it. "He wasn't a good man," she pointed out. "And he wasn't your dad, whatever his blood relation was. Mr. Potter is. You know that."

"At least he wasn't as bad as my mother," Sirius muttered, evidently not paying her very much attention. She couldn't blame him, though she did hope she could prevent him from getting stuck in his head. She knew better than most what a dangerous thing that could be. "He deserves credit for that at least."

Lavinia pursed her lips, her shoulders dropping slightly. "That's the world's lowest bar," she pointed out drily.

He snorted and straightened his neck even as his feet shifted closer to her so their bodies were flush as his arms came around her. Lavinia's free arm slid around his waist, pulling him closer.

"You're right," he murmured, now looking over her head at the wall. "You're usually right. Unless it's about you," he added sardonically, glancing down at her.

Lavinia tipped her head up and narrowed her eyes at him. "Is this really where we're taking this conversation?" she asked, torn between amusement and annoyance.

"Well, since we're having honest conversations, I though maybe I'd mention it," he justified with a shrug.

"I don't like it," she countered, wrinkling her nose up at him.

"Well it wasn't supposed to be a compliment," he pointed out sardonically. There was silence for a moment and Lavinia set her head against his chest, looking at her little desk against the wall. Soon, Sirius sighed and rested his head on hers and for a moment they just stood there, swaying slightly.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked after a moment. She didn't want to push him or bring it up more often than she had to but... well. She also didn't want to leave him upset if there was anything she could do about it.

"Yeah," he murmured, though the word sounded a bit resigned. "I just... never really thought about what I'd do if something like this happened."

Lavinia frowned slightly at the wall. "You don't have to do anything," she observed. "I know it's sudden and I understand if you're... well, I understand if you need to grieve. But I also understand if you don't. It's been years since he was in your life."