Rainbow Six: November Sun

54: "I'M NOT OKAY"

Lera closed the door behind Natalya as she entered, and touched a hand gingerly to her shoulder. "What's wrong?" she asked, her eyes wide with concern. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. No. I mean, I am now."

"Are you hurt?" Lera asked, looking the woman up and down. "What happened?"

Natalya was biting her lip fretfully. "Can I sit?" she asked, gesturing to the couch near the window.

"Of course. Do you need some water?"

"Please?"

Lera hurried to the water cooler near the mini bar and filled a glass, and returned quickly. She handed it to Natalya and sat down beside her.

"Spasibo." Natalya drank and wiped her mouth before setting the glass on the coffee table. She sighed and buried her face in her hands. "I'm sorry for this, Lera."

"Please just tell me what happened. You've got me worried." Lera realized her earbuds were still in, and she took them out and unplugged them from her phone. "I'm about to listen to that song you sent me, and you're here in tears. What's going on?"

Natalya managed a smile. "Still? That good, huh?"

"What do you mean?"

"I sent that song to you a couple hours ago. Right after the pic of the city."

"Oh?" Lera looked down at her phone. "Strange. I just got them both a few minutes ago."

"Really?"

"Really." Lera watched her companion carefully and tried to catch her gaze. "Tell me what's going on, Talya."

The woman broke into a wide smile. She looked down at her feet, almost shyly, and she ran a hand absently through her dark hair. "'Talya.' You know, you're the only one who's ever called me that... except my mom." She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak, but she faltered.

Lera was growing nervous. She felt strange sitting there and just staring at Natalya as she struggled, and so she scooted a bit closer and put her arm around the woman. "Hey," she whispered. "You're okay. You can tell me. Whatever it is, you can tell me; only if you want."

"I'm not okay," Natalya whispered. She shrugged out of Lera's embrace and leaned forward to rest her elbows on her knees.

Lera could see Natalya's lips quivering. She was trying to hold back more tears. Her hands were clasped together so tightly that her knuckles were growing white as snow. "Take your time. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want."

Natalya took a sharp, deep breath and wiped her eyes a final time. "I sent that pic from the roof of the hotel," she said. "I've been up there since we got back. Almost three hours."

Lera waited patiently for her to continue.

"I was up there because I was going to jump."

Lera's mouth opened slightly. "Oh, Talya."

Natalya's eyes fell to the floor at her feet. "My marriage hasn't been good. Husband and I... we suffered a miscarriage last year. He blamed me. Like it could somehow be my fault."

Lera blinked, trying to remain objective in her thinking. She said nothing.

Natalya's face twisted into sorrow, and she shook her head. "Told him I got fired. Know what he said to me, Lera?"

"Hm?"

"'Why, Natalya? What did you do?'" Natalya burst into tears. Embarrassed, she snatched a pillow from the end of the couch and pressed it to her face. "I can't anymore," she sobbed, her words muffled. "It's too much, Lera. It just hurts too much. I can't do it anymore."

Lera was careful to stay calm. She scooted closer and hugged the woman tightly. "I'm sorry," she whispered, and gave her a light kiss on top of her head. "I know what it's like to want to end it all. I do."

Natalya dug her fingers into the pillow and cried harder. She said something, but her words were indiscernible.

"What was that?" Lera asked.

The woman finally let the pillow drop. Tears wet her cheeks, and her eyes shimmered in the dim glow of the nearby floor lamp. "It's because of you that I didn't do it. I mean... I was going to. End it, I mean. Tonight. But I decided not to."

Lera raised her eyebrows. "What? What do you mean?"

Natalya cracked a smile through her tears and looked up at the ceiling. "When I walked into the hotel this morning, I did not expect to make it through this afternoon. I didn't even have a reservation." She looked to Finka. "Then I saw you, Lera, and suddenly I felt better. Old memories of better times at university, maybe. I had just wanted to go to the roof and—" She paused. "I saw you and I decided to wait."

The pair sat in silence. Lera still had her arm around Natalya, and she spent some time trying to search for the words for what she was feeling. "Life's tough," she said finally. "Whoever says it's not is either lying, or is God himself. I'm supposed to be here on vacation. I don't even know how to do that."

"No?"

Lera shook her head. "My whole life has been like a bomb ticking away, with my neuropathy always there. I don't know how to enjoy anything. I don't really enjoy life. I just throw myself into my work, my research, try to delay the inevitable. I don't really like other people, but I hate being alone." Her eyes grew distant. "Gives me too much time to think."

Natalya shifted and sat up straighter to get more comfortable. She looked to Lera with concern. "Your neuropathy went into remission, right? Because of your research?"

Lera sighed and looked down at the creases in her hands. "The symptoms have returned," she muttered. "I have no way of knowing yet how severe it will get, or how quickly."

~ If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, first understand you are not alone. Help is available, and you ARE worth it. A simple Google search can put you in touch with the right people, like suicidepreventionlifeline.org