Töte Mich

#15

It creates the perfect environment for which turmoil grows. Empty. Always so painfully empty. - 09/29/19

"He raped me". 

The look pure hopelessness that engulfed Oliver's being will be forever cemented into the confines of my mind. His eyebrows furrowed and his breath hitched every few seconds, as if he wanted to speak but could not articulate the mass of thoughts bombarding his mind. Now he and I are united on that mental plain. His eyes welled with tears and started to spill in the seemingly endlessly silence that befell us both. 'Where do we go from here?'

His voice echoed slightly despite being nothing more than a whisper, "Oh my god Christoph." My face burned red hot as I broke down completely. The weight of my silence finally lifting from me. But as I scanned Oliver's panic-stricken face, the venomous whispers of chaos returned; bellowing self-condemnation throughout my feeble frame. Among the plethora of voices came the earth-shattering realization that the burden of my truth had not left me; but instead was transferred onto Oliver. Anxiety extended its hand in invitation, the searing embrace now engulfing the now fleeting, calm.

Anxiety fed the incessant need to apologize thirty times over. I had no choice but to comply. “I’m so sorry Oli, I shouldn’t have said anything.” His face read largely of anger with a hint of annoyance. Hysteria filled me, like smoke from the fire of chaos. I stammered out a line a quickly regretted “You know, can we pretend like this never happened?” His voice was cold and emotionless as he spat out a powerful “No, Christoph we cannot”. Tears fell like rain as guilt pooled in me and left me breathless. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Oliver. I have ruined everything. Like I always do.” He moved fast towards me and I winced in shock fearing the worst. He gasped slightly at my action, and quickly pulled my now numb body into his, the powerful embrace speaking loudly; where I fell silent.

Oliver’s voice was hoarse as he spoke “Listen to me, you did not ruin anything Christoph. You didn’t mess anything up. You were hurt, and now I can protect you.” Oliver’s words radiated calm, he was the calm to my endless chaos. I pulled away from him slowly and I felt as if I had transcended to a whole new plain of thinking. His face was stained with tears. Along with anguish came understanding and love. Oliver loved me. For the first time since my world became prey to chaos, I finally felt it, simple, platonic love.

To plainly love, without expectation for anything in return; reinstated some of the love I had lost. Oliver unknowingly gave me a little of me back. He dragged his hand over his face wiping away any evidence of those tears he had shed for me; and let out a long sigh before speaking “I don’t know about you, but I need a fucking cigarette and some food”. I felt a small smile grace my lips as I spoke “You just read my mind”.

Before I knew it, we were in the parking lot and Oliver was reaching for his cellphone. A cigarette was snug between his lips as he dialed a number and put the phone to his ear. I gratefully lit the cigarette he had given me, inhaling a large drag and allowing the gravity of today to fall on mainly deaf ears. I laid back into a soft little patch of grass that grew just where the concrete ended. The grass was cool against my skin. I inhaled another large drag of the cigarette. I was going to die today. Literally. My plan largely consisted of just getting enough courage to take a nice swan dive off the roof of my building, I didn’t care much for the aftershock, I mean I would have been dead; it would have been the maintenance man’s problem more than anything. But now I am here, with Oliver, smoking and learning to understand that I don’t have to fight this alone; because I am not alone.