Töte Mich

#14

I will never be safe. For he has ruined my sense of safety; My envision of love, My body and my mind. I will forever be comparing all others to him. - 05/08/17

You never really begin to put your life into perspective until you realize it has reached its end.

Numbness receeds from the mind to make way for new paths. The mass of yourself becomes almost tangible. Every thought is so dense; they become inescapable. Feelings of betrayal and anger are directed inward. You're breathing but from beneath the waves that swallow you whole. The product of true anguish is written upon your skin; like a thousand little plagues. The soul cries for mercy in the form of lingering apprehension.

Everything is ignored. They no longer mean anything. Nothing means anything.

An unstable mind directs the now almost subconscious steps up the last few stairs in the flight. A deep blue sign just below eye-level indicates I've reached the 7th floor. A deep ache explodes from my ribs through my chest as I inhale as deeply as possible.

Doubt and guilt flood deeply in my chest, the feeling of apprehension now fills my form and sates the unwavering need to stop.

To stop and think.

A relentless war between mind and body waged; mind, won.

I just want to be happy again. I want to go back to normal. I want the terrible disfunction that seems haunt my very existence; to simply go the fuck away. But I don't really want to end.

I don't want to kill myself.

With that thought, black spots swept their way across my vision. My mouth pooled with saliva in an effort to parch my dry throat. The protest of my body was clear, but disregarded as I sat slowly onto the cool floor.

Quivering fingers grab for stability, flat against the floor. The chill stemming from it, shot through my arms, crawled into my spine and spread to the deepest parts of me. The chill resting just below my heart, made me cringe in disgust. 'No. NO. This hurts! This hurts! Stop please. PLEASE!'

'8:43:57... 8:43:58... 8:43:59... 8:44:00...'

With each passing second, my brain seemed to get inconceivably louder, and louder. Until my brain was so full, even on overdrive, I simply could not keep up. Every thought screeching over another begging to be heard; filling my ears until they seemed to spill onto the floor and pool around myself.

Disgust fueled the rage that sent me to the very edge of my mental plain. 'Why, are you still in my head?! I hate you, I hate you!' Each cry for mercy was annunciated by a blow to the head. Pain explodes from beneath my knuckles within mere milliseconds; proven useless against the chaos.

I could still feel him.

He is forever inside of me. His body has long since left me, but he still remains; deep within. He occupies every waking thought I have; every moment is precise and calculated. To keep him from returning. 'But then how did he find my room? How did he know where I was, when no one else knew?'.

'Filthy, you're fucking filthy, you ugly fuck', screeched a voice in the symphony of brain; the tone so venomous, it could kill. How I wish it would. Hot tears accompany my anguish, and spill down my cheeks.

His actions have stripped me of myself. 'Can your body still live, even if your soul has died?' He has ruined my glorious tower, the foundation has given way from his abuse. He has removed so much of me, so much of what I thought was permanent, everlasting. My solidarity has crumbled to bits, reduced to rubble like the rest of me. I simply do not know if I can rebuild.