Töte Mich

#6

"The garden of my heart has been plucked, slashed and burned into oblivion. The exquisite and elegant prospect once blooming with ornate beauty; was now simply a haunting graveyard. A constant reminder of what could of been. One that I'm reminded of; with every unwavering beat". - 6/21/17

Richard began to drive off and I couldn't help the sick feeling from rising in my stomach. My anxiety was off the charts and my heart was pounding. I kept taking long drags off my cigarette hoping that would calm down my quaking stomach.

I did nothing but spin my brain faster and made my hands shake. The farther we got to our unknown destination the more the unsettling feeling ate away at me.

Guilt.

As he sat there smiling as he sang obnoxiously to some horrible pop song on the radio; I tried my best to form a smile but I couldn't help the bile from rising in my throat. I lit up another cigarette and Richard turned off the radio.

He spoke softly and kept alternating between looking at me and the road. "What's wrong babe? Why do you seem so off?". My heart fluttered at the nickname. But I quickly dismissed his suspicions.

"Nothing! I'm fine!! Why would I be off? What makes you think that? I'm great babe." I rambled disheveledly. Meanwhile I continued trying to shove my guilt down with deep drags of menthol flavoured nicotine. He furrowed an eyebrow and stubbornly spoke again "Seriously, Christoph what's wrong?".

I wanted to punch his stupid little stubborn face in for prying. 'Why couldn't he just leave it alone?'. I threw my hands up in a last ditch effort to keep my facade strong, "Nothing Richard! I promise I'm just tired, cranky and hot and I'm not in the mood for 20 questions Richard edition okay?!" I snapped.

He backed off, his ego slightly bruised. He continued driving silently as I tried to keep my brain under control. 'Are you sure you're fine staying here with Till, Christoph?'. The sinster crack of my nose beneath his fist. The way he was inside of me, violating me.'

Tears pooled in my eyes and I quickly wiped them away; while I tried my best to control my breathing without arousing suspicion from Richard. After a few more silent minutes, we pulled into the parking lot of a local Chinese place. I shot Richard a look before speaking "Richard this is sweet, but I'm not hungry."

Little did he know I haven't eaten in the last three days. I really wasn't hungry, I just couldn't stomach the idea of food recently. Every time I'd try to eat, the memories come back and my stomach gets tight and I just can't eat.

He shot me a look of mild concern. His voice was light but I could tell he was worried when he spoke "Well you better get hungry, there pretty boy". I tried my best to muster up a laugh and a smile but I failed equally at both. Richard eventually coaxed me through the front door. Honestly, I just did it to humor him.

I smiled as Richard lead me to a booth that was already half full with people. It took my brain a minute to comprehend who was actually sitting there. Paul, Ollie, Flake, and oh my god Till. My brain instantly began screaming and I did everything I could from physically showing my duress.

'NO! Get out of here now! What the fuck were these dumb bastards thinking?! Why is god doing this to me?'. I tried to breath calmly as Richard lead me into the seat and I was face to face with my rapist. My brain was spinning, my heart was pounding, my hands were shaking and I was legitimately thinking about smashing my head into table so I could get out of this.

His eyes met mine and I could see the satisfaction in his eyes. The corners of his mouth twitched slightly into a grin and I was close to passing out. I inhaled a deep breath but it felt like I was drowning. My lungs were on fire and no matter how much I tried to breathe, I just couldn't.