Roadtrip Oneshots

(F) Sack - Bad for me (3)

I sat down on the sofa, unlocked my phone, and searched for Sonny's number. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to tell him but I needed to at least say sorry. I broke his lip overall. My mind kept wandering back to that moment, to those few seconds when I felt completely calm, almost as if the stars around me reorganized. As my fingers were shaking like crazy, I called him. He picked up right away.

"Jack?" His voice was shaky, surprised.

"It's me. I wanted to say sorry about what happened outside." My free hand was planted on the top of my knee, running it back and forth out of pure anxiety as my leg kept bouncing up and down.

Why it was so easy for me to just imagine his face in front of me? Why it was so easy to imagine him sitting next to me right now? I knew exactly what he would do. He'd sit closer to me, speaking, not touching me without any permission given. His eyes would be all glossy, his face pale, the tremble in his voice would make me go soft way too quickly. In that time, I'd knew I really want things between us to work.

"Oh, it's alright. You were very much entitled to do that." As he answered, I felt more and more guilty, especially with how broken his voice sounded. I took in a deep breath before I was interrupted.

"I miss you so much." Was he crying?

"I miss you so fucking much, I hate myself for what I've done to you, I curse myself every single day for it, I don't know what I was thinking or what told me it was an okay idea. Jack, I am so sorry." His speech was so shaky, sobs interrupting his words the whole time it was almost difficult to understand him.

"I know you're sorry, I know." I was almost whispering now, listening to the miserable boy sobbing into the phone as they increased in volume a little with my words. It probably wasn't the thing he wanted to hear the most but my voice was filled with genuine worry and care. I was just bad at showing it correctly.

"I can't deal with myself anymore, I am so fucking sorry."

"Can we meet up tomorrow?" I said from all of a sudden. His sobs stopped the second I said it, surely surprised.

"Uh, I guess so."

"Kirsty's gone for the day tomorrow so we could meet up here if you're down." After this, I just needed to do something.

Anything.

"I'll be there at 2." Something in my throat closed with him saying that and it wasn't necessarily a good feeling.

"I'll be waiting. And Sonny?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for the lift."

"You're welcome, Jack."

With that, I hung up. I took a deep breath, then exhaling with a tremendous shake. I had no idea why did I invited him here, but I knew I couldn't deal with this situation any longer, and Sonny sounded the same way. I felt overly heavy, heavier than ever in the past few days. It felt like my limbs were shut off, tiredness taking over my body of being absolutely emotionally strained and I was fully aware it will only continue tomorrow. Was I ready for it? No, but I needed to do something. Or was I just completely desperate to see him?

When I returned back into the bedroom, I saw Kirsty all cuddled up in blankets. I smiled a little, shut off the laptop and put in on the night table before I joined her company in the bed just for her to sense my presence, clinging to my side. My hand automatically wrapped around her shoulders, yet I couldn't fall asleep so easily like she did.

At least she didn't have to worry about me.

--

It didn't take long for me to start pacing around the entire house. Despite knowing very well Sonny is about to visit in a few minutes, I didn't even bother to make myself look put together. Why should I when it wasn't even the truth. Suddenly, worn-out oversized t-shirts and sweatpants were the only things that didn't feel like they will hurt me. I didn't skip a shower, but getting clothed in things I wore before the shower wasn't really making it any better.