Little Sister

The Sauna Test

     My eyes darted over to the clock resting on the nightstand next to the bed. It was a little past two AM and I never heard Billy come home. By now he'd be here, standing above me, waiting for something, wanting something.

     I shivered and rolled over to grab Bailey, I had the urge to hold her, to make sure she was safe, but when I turned over she was there lying in El's arms, sleeping like a baby. I don't think I've ever seen her  this peacful before, not even when I was here. Is she afraid of me?

     Why would I even ask? Of course she is. What child wouldn't be afraid when seeing a monster like me? Lacking ability to keep myself under control, tearing and destroying things right in front of her, punching walls, breaking glass, practically tearing my hair out. I was a monster. I wasn't just a monster, but I was becoming more and more of the monster that I didn't want to be. That monster wasn't Billy. That monster was my dad.

     I was just like him. Just like him. I didn't want to be. I don't want to be. But it feels like I'm getting worse and worse as time moves, it's almost too strong to control. As if I could control it anyway. But that's because I don't try hard enough. I didn't, and I shame myself for that everyday. I should be caring.

I do care.

     But clearly I'm not doing enough. I never do enough. Just like him. He never tried enough for me. His own child. And it's the same way for us, for her. I'm not trying enough for Bailey.

     Just the thought of becoming my father made me sick to my stomach. A man who lost himself so badly to the point that nothing mattered to him, and it ruined his daughters life. It's only going to happen again. Everything that I went through will happen to Bailey, and it'll be my fault.

     I finally went and threw the covers off myself and sat up at the edge of the bed. Without realizing, my hands were gripping tightly to the sheets. All these thoughts were only making things worse, I had to keep all these emotions inside.

     I stood up and started to quietly tiptoe through the room and out of the door. I thought it would be good for me to take a step out and try to calm down, but as soon as I closed the door behind me I felt a cutoff. Like I was no longer safe. Crazy to think I was safe in the first place.

     I took in a long shaky breath then slowly walked through the hallway passing both mine and Billy's rooms, harsh shivers going down my spine.

     I entered the bathroom and slowly closed the door behind me not to make a sound. When I switched the light on I couldn't help but stare into the mirror, looking into my deep empty eyes. I couldn't recognize myself, I don't even think I knew who I was. But that's because I don't, I want to say who I am, but at this point, I had nothing more to believe than the fact that I wasn't myself, and I never was.

     A feeling of dread and despair crashed down on me like a rock. This was my life, this was the way I lived and there was no stopping it. The only thing here for me was pain and suffering, even outside of this stupid house, outside of this damned town, nothing ever goes right for me, I had to be the unluckiest person to exist.

     My stomach turned and my legs became jelly. I grabbed onto the sink to catch my balance but ended up on my knees. Suddenly I couldn't breathe, it felt like my chest was tightening. I started to grow scared, unsure of what was happening to me. I harshly pushed out a few breaths and sat back on my legs as my fingernails dug into the bandages on my hands. I began to rock myself without realizing. This wasn't anger I was feeling. I'm not sure what it was, but I hated it. It was painful, I wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop.

     I was soon startled by the door opening. I looked up from the floor, I was in a different spot now, laying on my side with my knees to my chest. How long was I in here? Did I blackout again. It didn't feel like I did. At least, not like I usually do.