Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

3 November, 1978 - Life Advice

At first, Lavinia had hedged on almost everything. She had answered indecisively or uncertainly because part of her was convinced he was quizzing her and if she failed, he would kick her out. It wasn't that he had ever given her that impression at all, but rather that that was simply the way Lavinia had known the adults in her life to operate. She'd had teachers who controlled her grades and her parents, who had controlled everything else. Answer wrong and she'd always been punished in some form.

Mr. Hayes tolerated this for almost a month before he turned to her after a session during which Lavinia had been distinctly unhelpful and gave her some advice Lavinia didn't think she would ever forget.

"I put it down to nerves," he said as they walked towards a side room where potions ingredients and cauldrons were kept. "But you've been here while now, Lavinia, and I have to ask: are you comfortable here?"

Lavinia had almost stumbled as she walked next to him, she was so caught off guard by the question. "Yes," she answered, almost defensively, then wondered if perhaps the right answer was no because being comfortable around so much suffering might make her unsuited to the job. So she clarified, "I mean I'm comfortable with the work," she continued. "Not that I enjoy seeing people who are - I don't like to see people hurting. I just..." She trailed off when they stopped in front of the door to the potions room and she saw Mr. Hayes smiling down at her with an amused kind of patience.

"I would never suggest you enjoy watching our patients suffer," he said calmly, then sighed and frowned slightly. "I don't mean to sound harsh, Lavinia," he began and Lavinia felt a cold something trickle down her back at the prospect of what could only be a telling off. "But you treat every question like it's an exam. Honestly," he continued with a little laugh, "You seem to treat your life like it's an exam. And it's not. What I need from the healers in this ward is ingenuity. You have a quick mind. I want you to use it not to divine what you think I want you to say, but to divine what branch of magic might be most effective. I'm not grading you," he added, again with an almost laugh. "No one is. So answer honestly, when I ask you a question. Speak honestly when you have an idea. When I say 'what do you think this man needs,' I'm not asking you to recite something out of a textbook. I'm not quizzing you. I'm asking what you think he needs. Because I might have a guess, but I rarely know. And if we put our minds together, we give our patients the best shot at recovery. Do you understand?"

Lavinia nodded, wide eyed and more than slightly surprised. She was certain she'd just been told off for something but it hadn't felt like any telling off she'd ever gotten before. First because there had been no threat or indication of violence anywhere in his words or demeanor and second because somehow, he'd managed to mix compliments in, though part of her wondered if that was just to make her feel better.

"Good," Mr. Hayes returned, inclining his head to her slightly. "With that settled, hopefully," he added a bit drily, though his smile told her that was a joke, "If you could get going on that replenishing draught, that would be lovely. And I will begin the patient report."

And that was exactly what they did.

As she stirred the cauldron in front of her, going through motions that were by now rote, Lavinia thought. She supposed Mr. Hayes was right, as he often seemed to be. She did tend to treat her life like it was an exam, constantly afraid of judgement. Convinced there was a right answer and if she only gave it, then everything would turn out fine. Like if she made the right steps, the fear would stop, the hurt would go away and everything would be good for once.

It was foolish, of course, and that was much easier to see when someone pointed out how ridiculous the idea was. Because there was no score. And she could give all the right answers for one person and at the end of the day, she might well be left with nothing. That was close enough to what had happened with her grandmother. And to some extent her mother. Although with Rhea, Lavinia supposed she had genuinely made mistakes. With Theia... Lavinia shivered slightly and tried to force her mind elsewhere.