The Bright Side of Darkness

Twenty-Five

As soon as my alarm clock goes off, dread works its way into my chest and latches itself to my heart. Today is surgery day. The day that will make or break the rest of my life. Everything that happens at that hospital will determine how I will live the rest of my life.

My mouth feels like a foul-tasting wasteland, but I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything before the surgery.

Vitrectomies are highly successful. At least, that's what Doctor Adhikari told us, but I still have my doubts. There's always a risk involved in surgery, no matter how small or successful others are.

"Tay?" Mom knocks on the door before coming in. The bed dips beside me as I sit down. Her silence says more than words can. She's nervous, too, but she won't admit that.

She lets out a shaky breath, no doubt playing with the ends of her hair. "Today's the big day." Her laugh wavers before ending abruptly.

Ma is strong, but today isn't something she can get through by herself. Dad should be here to see me off, but he has to work during my surgery. It's better for him that way. He would rather keep distracted, and I don't blame him.

Ma will have Emori, though. They can keep each other company while I'm gone.

"So... Emori, huh?" Ma nudges me, changing the subject.

Since I asked Emori to go out with me on our last date, Ma has been pretty happy. She's known Emori since we were little. Now she won't stop talking about how she always told Dad that Emori and I would end up together.

"Yeah." I purse my lips and run my hands over my legs. "She's not who she used to be on the outside, from what I hear, but she's still the one I..." I trail off before I can say anything more. The words are on my mind, but saying them seems like such a big commitment.

"You what?" Mom leans closer. She knows what I almost said. She just wants to hear me say it.

"Nevermind."

"You know," she starts, "Your father and I met when I was still interning at the hospital in college. He was such an ass." She laughs. "But the more I got to know him, the more depth he seemed to have."

"Well, aren't you lucky," I say sarcastically, shoulder-bumping her.

"For your information, I am." She stands up and goes to my doorway just as the bell rings. "That must be Emori. I'm gonna go let her in. You get dressed and come down."

I nod, and she shuts the door before going downstairs.

I'm not in the mood to try today, so I throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Emori won't mind much. At least, I hope she won't. I'll just end up changing into a hospital gown later, anyway, so what's the sense in dressing up? Plus, it's not like I can actually find my nice clothes. I haven't worn them in forever and I've forgotten what they feel like.

I make my way downstairs, slowly, and strain my ears to hear any part of Ma's conversation with Emori. But I don't hear much of anything.

"Tay, who's - Emori!" Lottie pushes past me to rush downstairs, almost knocking me over in the process.

For some reason, I never thought that the two of them might know each other, let alone be friends. I know they have classes together, but it didn't cross my mind. I fumble my way to the counter and sit on one of the stools.

"How's your day been, Em?" Bacon sizzles on a pan, and a series of smells assault me as Ma makes breakfast. My stomach growls.

"Today has been fine. Well, as fine as it can be when your boyfriend has a huge surgery." Everyone else laughs at her joke, but I'm more focused on the feelings the word 'boyfriend' elicits. Hearing Emori call me her boyfriend is new and it sends a delightful shiver down my spine.

"I'll be fine." I wave it off, feeling around for a piece of bacon. Lottie smacks my hand away just as I raise it to my mouth. Glaring at what I hope is her, I continue, "I'll just be glad if the surgery is a success." I reach for Emori's arm, tugging her close.

She lets out a startled squeak. Her face is probably as red as a beet, and I would kill to see it.

"Aw," Mom coos as she moves to wash the dishes. She sighs as an alarm goes off on her phone. "It's nine-thirty. We should get going soon."

I nod and stand up, reaching around for my phone. "I take it Dad is stuck at work?"

"Nope," Dad says as he steps through the door. "I told them I was gonna get to see you off or I was quitting."

I laugh and hold my arms out for a hug. "I'm surprised they actually let you go."

"Their loss if they didn't." He laughs. "I do have to be going, though. I wish I could go with you but I think we can all agree that it'll be better if I'm not sitting there waiting."

I nod. "I know, Dad. I'm just glad you could be here now."

Ma claps her hands together. "I'm sorry, but we have to get going or you're gonna be late."

Emori loops her arm around mine and guides me through the door and to the car. Just as I'm about to climb in the back, someone crushes me in a hug.

"You better not cause any problems when you come out of the anesthesia, you hear me?" Lottie's voice comes out as a mumble against my chest.

"Okay. I promise. I'll see you when you come to visit."

"Okay." She sniffs and steps back to let me get in the car.

For the first fifteen minutes of the car ride, there's nothing but awkward silence. Every time I think I have something I can say, I realize it's probably not the best thing to talk about.

Ma turns the radio down. "You asked Lottie to get your homework, right?"

"Yeah. I won't be allowed to go back to school for a week or two, right?" The floor beneath me vibrates as she accelerates the car to reach interstate speeds.

"Right." She doesn't say anything else after.

Emori reaches over to take my hand in hers. A little squeeze is enough to comfort me through the silence. My whole body seems to know the hospital is close. I tense up and a pit gathers in my stomach, threatening to make me vomit.

I'm only miles away from a life-changing procedure, and the only thing that I feel is fear. No excitement or hope. Only fear. Fear of being put under. Fear of unforeseen complications. Fear that the procedure will be unsuccessful.

"Tay." Emori squeezes my hand again as my mom parks the car, and I let out a trembling breath.

"I'm okay." The nausea is still there, but the pressing fear weakens.

"Well, we're here. You ready to go inside?"

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. "Yeah, let's go."

Once I get checked in, the nurse leads me to my room. She hands me a gown and leads Emori and Ma out of the room while I change. The gown is loose, and the open back unnerves me. Before the nurses take me to the prep room, Emori squeezes my hand one last time.

After the nurses bring me to the operating room, they instruct me to move over to the table and lay down.

"This is going to make you feel weird, so if you have the urge to laugh, I won't take it to heart," one of the male nurses says through his mask as he places the anesthetic mask on my face.

He isn't wrong. My whole body tingles, making me laugh uncontrollably. The more I breathe in the gas, the louder I laugh until there's nothing.