Taming the Street Racer ✔️

15 | don't leave me

For the next two days, I'm on autopilot, simply going through the motions and trying to not think about the previous week. I hardly get any sleep. Every night, I feel like a twenty-pound weight is laid on my chest and I'm unable to turn my brain off. With a tight chest and brain going haywire, I just sit at my desk and write in my journal.

In a matter of days, I fill up pages and pages with my thoughts. The pages are rough with the indents of my passionate, emotional scrawls. Ever since my interaction with Trevor, it's like my eyes have been opened to every fucked-up thing about myself. I rummage through my memories, thoughts, relationships and write down every way that I've been blind to the truth of myself.

Never being able to turn off my obtrusive thoughts is taking a toll on me, physically and mentally. I feel empty and fatigued more often than not. All I want to do is lie in bed and tune out everything, including my own thoughts.

School is a meaningless blur. On Monday, I feel nauseous the entire day thinking about seeing Grayson at soccer practice later, and end up going home early.

That afternoon, I have Violet take over my soccer practice for the first few minutes as I go to the bathroom, hiding as the parents dropped off their kids. By the time I come out, Grace was there and Grayson was long gone. Even thinking about him, a sharp pain returns in my chest and I feel his cold hands roaming my skin.

I tell myself it's fine. That he's done with me and I'm totally okay with that. That I'm nothing but a warm body to him. That maybe that's all I really am.

Going through the motions at practice, I feel defeated, like everything is falling apart. And it's all my fault.

The next day after school, Violet and Peyton FaceTime me, clearly aware that something is up with me. I can barely concentrate on their soft, concerned voices, only thinking about the shit I've made them put up with. I'm always the one causing problems in their lives, never the other way around.

I write silently into my journal as I listen to them, telling them that everything's fine. I can tell they don't believe me, but I can't articulate my thoughts cohesively and can't stand to put any more of my problems onto them. I can't stand to bring down the people around me with more of my own troubles.

But they won't give up, trying to pry my thoughts out of me. I love them, but for once, I wish they'd leave me alone. So I bite the bullet and agree to go to a party with them tonight, praying that they'll finally believe that I'm perfectly fine. They reason that tomorrow is Senior Skip Day so we can stay out as long as we want without having to worry about school the next day.

I suppress every fiber of my body telling me that this is a bad idea and get dressed.

♔ ♕ ♔

Peyton and Violet drive and drag me into the party and, immediately, Peyton points out a group of Ridgecrest girls talking and laughing in the corner, looking clearly out of place at a party thrown by their rival school.

"Who invited them? Were we supposed to bring our old clothes to donate to them or something?" Peyton snarks. However, a few seconds later, she excuses herself to walk over to them. I hide a smirk by taking a long drink from my solo cup, watching Violet trying to make sense of the situation.

Even though I feel like shit, Peyton somehow manages to lift my spirits, even if just by a little bit, with her antics.

"You know, I really didn't see Peyton as the welcoming type," Violet observes questioningly. "It's nice to see her stepping out of her comfort zone to make new friends, I guess."

God, for our class's valedictorian, that girl can be unbelievably stupid. I let someone fill my cup up again, feeling my head lighten for the first time and days, and just keep drinking.