The Summer I Drowned (Wattpad Books Edition)

Chapter 1

The room burst into laughter. I cowered beneath a towel and ran out, just in time to hear Dana call me a freak.

But as terrible as that memory is, I won't let it overwhelm me—I need it in order to stay resolute.

"It's about more than them," I say. "I want to swim again, Dr. Levy. I miss my old life and my old friends. I hate it here, I—" I stop myself. "Sorry. I don't like it here, but I'm still glad we met."

"Don't worry. I understand." She pauses. "Facing your fears head-on can work sometimes, though I do still worry about you. You've made significant improvements in coping with everyday triggers, but PTSD and the anxiety that accompanies it is unpredictable. You know this."

"The aquarium isn't bothering me. And I still love the color blue."

"I'm being serious, Olivia. Your condition is very real."

Silence seeps into the room, and my thumb rubs along the elastic. "I know. But going back to the place it happened is the only thing we haven't tried yet. If I go there, maybe I can actually learn to swim again before senior year."

"I want that for you."

It's hard to imagine now, but in Caldwell Beach, everyone thought I would become an Olympic swimmer. Either that or a marine biologist, considering how obsessed I was with sea creatures and wildlife in general. Now I can barely shower without being transported back to the worst night of my life.

Sometimes it isn't even just the thought of being trapped under water that terrifies me. It's that moment of calm that came before I blacked out. The fact that I was okay with just dying—sometimes I stare at my ceiling for hours fearing it.

Dr. Levy continues. "How are your nightmares?"

"Good. Better."

It's not a lie, really. My nightmares have gotten better.

"But you still have them?"

"Sometimes."

"Tell me about the last one you remember."

Tempted to snap the elastic again, I sit on my hands. "I keep having a new one. It starts with me chasing Miles down the beach. We're kids, it's really sunny out, and I'm not afraid of the water. As I chase him, he gets farther and farther away. Then I find myself on the cliff, and . . ."

"And then you're falling," Dr. Levy finishes.

"Yes, but it's not happening as often, I swear."

"Good, that means the sertraline isn't making them worse. I'll let your psychiatrist know. How does the dream make you feel?"

Thinking about it is like reaching into water, trying to grab something I can't see—the feeling is there, but I have to search around to find it. "Empty, I guess. Because when I wake up, that same sadness is there, just like when I moved away. I thought Miles and I would drift apart, and we did."

The last time I saw my childhood friend in person, he and my other best friend, Keely, along with their parents, had met my family and me on the outskirts of town so we could all say goodbye. Ever since my fall I'd been jittery, and my teeth chattered even under the blazing July sun. Miles and I hugged, and he smelled like spring laundry, a scent that was so familiar to me. When we pulled away, he gently held my wrists.

"Don't go, Liv," he whispered so our parents wouldn't hear. "It's all my fault you fell. I messed up big—I shouldn't have let you go up there."

"If it's anyone's fault, it's Faye's. And my parents said I have to." The road behind him led into town, but it was empty. "Where's West? Is he coming?"