Thicker than Water (Marauders Era)

24 June, 1978 - Memories

Lavinia had woken up to a pounding headache and the distinct sensation that she'd made several mistakes last night. She just couldn't remember what exactly they were, which was incredibly disconcerting. She remembered drinking and dancing and laughing and a certain hollow sensation in her chest that she would much rather forget. She also remembered being annoyed at Remus for worrying too much and Sirius for dancing with other girls. Which seemed silly, of course, because she didn't own him and neither of them had made any commitments and she herself was the one who had decided not to act on anything. But all that logic did nothing to lessen the sting of seeing him so happy when he was surrounded by a group of adoring, insipid little -

Lavinia broke her thoughts off and focussed back on packing her trunk. There was no need to get angry with them, she told herself. They had seen him as single and attractive. Because he was, she supposed. Very attractive.

She huffed and sat back on her heels, rubbing her eyes and trying to shut her head up while also stopping it from feeling like it was splitting open. Merlin, she should not have had so much to drink. What had she been thinking? That was actually an easy question to answer, she decided. She hadn't been. She had been feeling plenty but not thinking at all and, as she now knew, that was a terrible combination.

It took her awhile to get all her things together, in part because of her total lack of focus and in part because she went out of her way to avoid everyone. Seeing Eloise and Alexandra hurt too much and when she caught a glimpse of Regulus in the Great Hall, she thought her soul might just have shattered. She also didn't particularly want to see the Marauders because she was incredibly embarrassed about her behavior the night before. She'd been so... not herself.

But she couldn't avoid them forever so she decided to get it over with sooner rather than later and sat down to breakfast with them, trying to hide her embarrassment. Thankfully none of them said anything about it and when they headed down to the lake, their conversation was normal, if a bit too nostalgic for her tastes.

On the way down to the lake she also saw Rowle, who had the beginnings of a nasty black eye. Lavinia stared at him. She didn't entirely know what to think about it, though she had a nagging suspicion who had given him that bruise based on Sirius's strange new habit of pulling his sleeves down over his knuckles. She couldn't decide if she was annoyed with him for resorting to violence or if she was... flattered didn't sound like the right word, but something similar perhaps, that he had defended her without question. So she decided to say nothing and not think too much about it. She had enough going on in her head, anyway.

Though she'd been looking forward to graduation, the reality was that leaving was a weird feeling for Lavinia. She knew she should have been remembering all her old victories and joys and looking forward to what was to come, knew this should have been a celebration of new beginnings. She should have been bittersweet or maybe nostalgic. But instead, she felt simultaneously terribly sad and a little bit relieved. Because the entire journey away from Hogwarts and into life beyond was littered with reminders of what she had lost. Both for better and for worse.

When they boarded the boats, she remembered the first time she'd sailed across the lake and found herself desperately wishing that Eloise and Severus and even Alexandra were still by her side. She wished she was leaving with them instead of Evans and these two girls who didn't care about her at all. Not that they weren't nice. Well. Marlene was chilly, as always, but the other, Alice, was almost too nice. Lavinia resolved to ignore her. At least she didn't mind Evans, she told herself. But that also reminded her of old times. It reminded her of when she'd hated Evans on principle, because some stupid bigoted tradition her family had ingrained into her. It reminded her what an awful person she had been.

When she got onto the train, she remembered every time before this that she'd stepped on. She remembered how things had slowly started falling apart until the beginning of sixth year when it had just been her and Eloise and Alexandra in their compartment. When duty had first begun to take her friends away from her.