𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

EPILOGUE: LILAC

trigger warninggg, death and sensitive subjects discussed

jahseh onfroy

january 27, 2018

6 months later, and the pain doesn't go away, and nothing gets better.

i exhaled heavily as i pressed my hand against the granite rock with her name printed on it, my heart sinking in my chest and my eyes growing teary just at the touch of it.

serenity rivera

january 27, 1999 - july 27, 2017

the bouquet of white roses in my free hand shook with my trembling hands and body, and i hesitated before placing them down on the earth beside me and taking in a shaky breath.

"happy birthday renny, i love you."

the early morning wind blew against me gently, the cool winter breeze hitting my skin, and rustling the flowers beside her tombstone, as i stared at her name intently, my heart crumbling more and more in my chest.

her tombstone, right next to isaiah's, was just painful. neither of them should be gone.

i shut my eyes, as an attempt to keep any tears from spilling out, and opened them after a moment, taking a deep breath before looking back at the flowers, which now had a white butterfly fluttering around them.

the butterfly flew to me, almost as soon as i looked at it, and landed on my arm, resting there momentarily while i stared at it, my eyes tearing up once more as her words replayed in my head.

"white. white roses, cause they mean eternal love, and white butterflies."

"why white butterflies?"

"because, if someone you love dies and you see a white butterfly, it represents their soul, it means they aren't gone, even if they aren't here physically."

"and if i ever die before you, you'll see my white butterfly."

it was all too much for me to take in, too soon, and just as soon as the butterfly lifted off of my arm, flew around my face quickly and then flew off, away and into the lighting up morning sky, i stood myself up and brushed off my pants, still trembling and heavyhearted.

i stared down at the earth and her tombstone for a minute, before i spoke gently, repeating the words. "i love you."

with that, i turned around and walked through the cemetery and out, stopping at my car and taking one more shaky breath before getting into the car and shutting the door beside me.

i sat for a moment, trying to recollect myself and calm my shaky body, before i put my car into drive and began to pull away, with no music playing and no noise besides the sound of the car itself.

the morning sky seemed to melt into itself, the clouds clearing and bowing as the sun began to peak over the horizon that i drove beside, lighting the sky with an array of colors.

i finally turned on some music, letting the radio randomly choose which song would play for me, only to be presented with her song.

serenity rivera.

i was quiet and still as i listened to my own singing, behind the melancholy tune, while the sky lit up above me.

"picture this- in bed, get a phone call.. girl that you fucked with killed herself. that was this summer and nobody helped, and ever since then, man i hate myself, wanna fucking end it."

i couldn't continue to listen, knowing every lyric was dedicated to her, and i shut off the radio, trembling and taking a deep inhale before i tightened my grip on the steering wheel.

as i drove farther from her, putting more distance between us, and my heart growing heavier than it had been when i sat beside her tomb, and six feet above her lifeless body, i looked up to see what the sky had painted for me.

it reminded me of when i went into her room for the first time after it happened, and i felt so cold and out of place, and i just walked through the room aimlessly, wishing she'd walk in and say something to me, constantly glancing at the bed hoping that when i looked at it, she'd be laying in it, looking in her closet trying to imagine her in the clothes that hung inside.

then i found all her art.

all the pretty paintings and drawings, pure poetry in art, notebooks and canvases stacked atop of each other, until i found the art of me.

a whole notebook full, and more canvases than i could count, paintings and drawings, one of my tattooed hand, the other of my mug shot, and one of the two of us together.

a painting of our picture.

looking at it did something to me, it assured me that until the end she loved me, even though she left me without getting to really say goodbye, without really knowing what was going on in her head before she left, at least i knew i wouldn't have to question one thing, and that was if she loved me.

and then i found it.

a positive pregnancy test, tucked in the drawer of her dresser, not very well hidden but not easy to find at first sight, either.

i remember the way my whole body went still, the way i felt cold but started to sweat at the same time.

i always wanted a baby, a mini me, another chance at life because i felt like i hadn't done enough, hadn't grown up right and wanted to give someone the chance to life a safe, sheltered, loving childhood, unlike mine had been.

and the one chance i had now, the first opportunity, it was gone. i lost my first child, maybe my only child, and the love of my life, too.

it made me barely able to eat for days, and i couldn't sleep or lay still, knowing i'd lost her and half me, too, inside of her, and the burning memory of it made me shake my head and return my thoughts to the road ahead of me, then the sky.

and looking at the sky, seeing yellows and purples blended together, creating lilac poetry within the sunrise, with beauty in simplicity, and blessing me with serenity,

that's when i knew everything was going to be okay.

definitely not today, probably not tomorrow, and maybe not for a long while..

but one day.

end.

don't hate me y'all lmfaooo