𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐂𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐎𝐍 - 𝐗𝐗𝐗𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐂𝐈𝐎𝐍

LESS

serenity "renny" rivera

july 25, 2017

"you're gonna be okay, i promise." he said softly as he played in my curls and held me close.

i kept quiet instead of saying what i wanted to, which was that i wouldn't be, i knew i wouldn't be, it hurt too much and i'd never be okay again. i'd just, hopefully, learn how to cope. but i'd never be okay.

i held onto him a little tighter as hot tears spilled out my eyes and i kept silent, my vision blurred from tears. he continued to play in my hair as we both laid in silence, and i cleared my throat and tried to speak with as solid of a voice as i could.

"are you okay?"

he didn't respond, just kept playing in my hair and then shifted our position and tilted my head up, revealing my tear streamed face to him, and i tried to look away and hide it, but he held on and used his other hand to gently wipe the tears off my face, even though more kept falling.

i put my head back down on his chest and gave up on silently crying, as i started to sob loudly and wrap my arms around him, and he held me close and kept quiet, offering just his presence and silent support.

"it hurts so bad." i choked out, sniffling loudly as i continued to sob, and jahseh was quiet for a second as he held me.

"i know, renny. i know."

i rubbed my face and groaned. "who even let him get any drugs in a rehabilitation hospital? who the fuck would let that happen to him?"

"i don't know." jahseh replied quietly, even though he knew my question was rhetorical.

i stopped speaking, focused on trying to calm myself down and stop crying, which seemed to be working, and i sat up, wiping my wet face and exhaling gently.

he sat quietly for a moment as i collected myself, and then spoke. "what do you feel?"

"like i'm about to throw up," i answered honestly, which made him move away from me quickly, and made me weakly laugh. "wow, okay."

he glanced at me uneasily, shaking his head. "don't play, i'm not getting puked on, not today."

i rolled my eyes, getting off of the bed and standing up, my head swaying gently. i sighed quietly before i walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me and covering the toilet seat, then sitting on it and putting my head in my hands.

i couldn't even begin to describe how broken i felt inside, how every minute made my chest heavier than the last, how ever since i got the news i couldn't stop shaking and trembling, not for a minute.

there was a pain in my chest that wouldn't go away, my lungs always felt tight, there was a lump in my throat that just wouldn't go away even when i cried, i was miserable.

i picked myself up, standing in front of the sink leaning over it, as i started to sob again, this time silently, my body trembling and my breathing shaky, the only sound my shaky inhales and sniffles.

i felt my mouth begin to salivate, and i groaned as the nausea in my stomach worsened, and within seconds i was throwing up into the sink, with tears still streaming down my face, and i groaned at the taste of the throw up in my mouth and the slight burn of the throat from the aftermath.

the door gently opened, as jahseh entered and shut the door behind him, and i continued to quietly sob, now more upset at the fact that i'd thrown up, being that that was something i hated.

he gently lifted my hair out of the way and held it, caressing and rubbing my back softly with his other hand, and i groaned again as the nausea returned, and he quietly shushed me. "it's okay. you're okay."

i wiped the tears from one side of my face, and couldn't even get to the other before i was throwing up again, this time a lot less, and with him still holding my hair and rubbing my back gently to soothe me.

i stood up a bit after i was done, still crying but feeling calmer to be comforted by his presence, and i wiped the tears off of my face and turned on the water to wash down the vomit, sniffling a bit as i spoke in a raspy, low voice.

"i'm fine, thank you. i'm gonna brush my teeth."

this way my way of trying to get him to leave me alone, and not worry, but instead he just nodded, pulling a scrunchie that was mine off of his wrist and pulling my hair into a ponytail for me, then sitting on the covered toilet seat beside the sink and staying beside me.

i realized he wasn't going to leave, and i wasn't going to try to make him, so i just picked up my toothbrush and went through the process of brushing my teeth, while he stayed beside me and watched quietly, then washed my face to cool it off and calm myself down, to which he passed me my towel afterward.

once done, we both left the bathroom, and i exhaled as i entered my room and looked around, though jahseh pulled my arm towards the closet and walked me in, glancing around it for a moment before speaking. "put something on, i wanna take you to get ice cream and hang out on make out hill."

i wasn't going to complain, i knew getting out would make me feel better, especially to the hill, and with ice cream, so i wordlessly nodded and picked up a white tank top and some black jersey shorts, holding them in my hand before i finally turned to him and spoke.

"one condition."

he tilted his head at me gently, urging me to go on, and i spoke again. "i don't wanna talk about him. or any of this."

he nodded his head, holding my chin and placing a peck on my lips before he spoke. "no worries."

i cracked a small smile, before he walked out for me to get dressed and i did so, exhaling quietly and sitting on the bench in the closet for a moment and shutting my eyes, before whispering to myself, or maybe god, or maybe isaiah, who knows.

"just make it hurt less. that's all i'm asking for."

~
my heart is so broken i can't even rn. everything hurts.