your glorious indifference

alternate universes

alternate universe (i): i lay my head on your lap and you read me the poetry you wrote on the night you were drunk and hell-bent with the sadness buried in your eyes. we know how to make this work. we are functional. you kiss me in the supermarket's condiment aisle while we go grocery shopping and i tell you how much i have always adored those soft eyes of yours. everything is consistent. you tell me your theory that human souls are nothing but highly unstable sub-atomic particles that convert into electromagnetic radiation after we die and your eyes are so bright they remind me of marigolds. after all the conventionality and predictability of others, you are like wind dancing through hair, like a safe haven.

alternate universe (ii): you never come with a warning label and i am obsessed in making bad decisions. my heart sticks for you like cling film. you always say my name like it's a bad thing and you have never known a lot about loving yourself so you take it out on me. i only feel real when i'm with you. does that make sense? does that make me weak? i am sick for you, so you wrap chains around my ankles and make me beg for you, make me go on my fucking knees. then you kiss me until my lips hurt. you kiss me until i am no longer my former self. you always do this. you know i am soft for you. the fear of losing you is bigger. so you ask for another chance. you know i can't say no.

alternate universe (iii): our apartment is just a hole in the wall and we can barely afford to eat. the universe has never cared about us, but we listen to The Smiths as we share a second-hand mattress and that is more than enough. i wake up to you looking at me and you are even more beautiful in broad daylight, with the sun hitting your soothing brown eyes that resemble winter trees at twilight. we get drunk with the cheapest wine in the liquor store and get lost in the streets of the city in the late hours of the night only because we can, because we have a beating heart and we are happening right here, right now. and right now i love you so much that it hurts. and right now you are the most real person that i have ever met. and right now we don't care, we don't care, we don't fucking care, we just dance in wild indifference.

alternate universe (iv): you meet me when i'm sick, but nobody sees it. i'm sick and i have never gone to the doctor for it. i never expected anyone to save me, but on the nights in where my bones cannot withstand the weight of my body, you tell me that i can be both terrified and strong. you never ask for something in return, you just smile (with your mouth, your eyes, your soul) and help me tuck my demons to sleep. i never tell you that violets have become my favorite flowers since you told me you liked purple and i could swear to God that nothing is ever going to exist in the same way as you. you are the most emotionally honest person i know, but everything in me is made of desperate screams for help and sometimes all we do is coexist in the same space in the timeline of the universe. and some things are just meant to leave and i think i understand. and some people are meant to fall in love but not meant to be together. you are the most beautiful miracle and sometimes your absence feels like the universe is screaming. but this time, i finally know when it's time to let you go – and i finally know how to do it gracefully, kindly.

alternate universe (v): in this universe, you are more soul than body. there are rivers born somewhere inside of your ribs and there are always wildflowers blooming through the cracks of your skull. my body always feels like my own home and your brain is made from tiny galaxies that shimmer down your bones like there's bruises in the orbit. the first time you see the filthy and repulsing parts of me; all of the monsters and the unsavory truth, you do not attempt to run or to beat it out of me. you never even flinch at the sight. instead, you hold my hand and tell me you are not leaving. we are hardwearing and we are whole and i love you so much (in and out of the metaphor). i am never afraid to say it out loud. you evoke so many poems on me that i am always out of space in my mind, i am always out of paper.
in this universe, we make it.