your glorious indifference

in your dream

i. in your dream, you do what you want with me. in this dream, i lick you and i kiss you and i touch you where you want me to. let you feed on me, flesh as soft as bread. so young, so easy for you. in your dream, you're a good person and that is what you like to tell yourself. you have hands like my father's and his were never gentle. in this dream, you beat me into submission until i come running back to you like a dog that chases a bone. you smooth the uneven edges of my skin, cut out the misshapen bits and say There, Finally, when i am pink and delicate the way you want me to be.

ii. in this dream, i sleep with you during the winter months. you undress me to the core, tear me apart and place me on top of your shelf like a geode – cracked open with all the pretty parts exposed. peel away my innocence like it's a tangerine, fuck the oblivion right out of me. tell me the body tends to forget. in this dream, we hold hands before this country crumbles completely and it's so intimate it makes me want to vomit. i am stupid and blank and sure that the marks i left on your neck will stay there for years.

iii. in your dream, you reappear every few months like summer rain and everything feels like pulling teeth. i sing redundant apologies to you like they are lullabies. I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry, God, I'm So Fucking Sorry. i cry because i know i'll never have your answers. in this dream, you quote Rimbaud half-drunk and i build you an altar, tell you i'll sacrifice anything you want, including myself. Stupid Girl, you laugh as i write you poems i hope you'll read.

in your dream, i'm knee-bent-chest-tore-open.

in your dream, you're unkillable,

but wake up, darling, it's morning now.