Metanoia

• two •

The warming metal slips between my fingers as I passed the key to the motel receptionist. He smiles glumly at me, clearly wanting to be anywhere else but here. I empathise with the young man, relating a little too much to his situation more than I'd like to.

I give him a small smile before picking up the large travel bag Noah and I share, grabbing Noah's small hand in my spare one.

When he started walking on his own at around seventeen months it was a life saver for me as it meant I no longer had to carry him on my hip everywhere we went. Although there are times when I still carry him around.

Even though I can't buy us many luxuries, I brought a video camera so that I could collect as much of his childhood as I could. Just because I struggle doesn't mean that he shouldn't have a joyful life, even if we live a far from regular one.

Being twenty years old and having a four year old child is relentless, especially in his baby stage. But he's always been a good kid. I'm not sure where he gets it from because I sure wasn't a sweetheart when I was younger.

We make it to the bus stop just in time, catching it before it's driven away.

I sit Noah on the window seat at the front and sit next to him, sighing as I let the heavy bag drop to the floor. I relax into the seat for a couple of minutes before more people load onto the bus. An elderly woman looks around for a place to sit so I stand up, offering her the place I was previously sitting.

"Thank you dear." She smiles kindly at me, sitting next to Noah.

Noah grabs onto my hand, tugging it lightly.

"I'm hungry." He whines. A guilty feeling seeps through me- I didn't give him breakfast this morning. I always feed him a healthy diet, but this morning we had to leave quite abruptly and I didn't have chance to get him something. My shoulders slump and I look down at him with sympathy.

"I know, I know, I'll get you something as soon as we get off the bus." I ruffle a hand through his hair in reassurance. God I feel so bad that I didn't get him something earlier.

The old woman next to Noah frowns, a saddened imagine painted over her delicate features.

Noah huffs and crosses his arms across his chest in frustration, not helping the sinking feeling I have in my stomach.

After forty more minutes of people coming on and off the bus and Noah making strange observations every now and then, we finally reach our stop and I pick Noah and our bag up. Once we get off the bus I place Noah gently back on his feet. He instantly grabs onto my hand, something he always does when we're walking.

"Excuse me." A soft voice speaks behind me and I spin around, pulling Noah with me.

I smile at the woman who sat next to Noah the whole bus rise.

She pulls her purse out her bag and takes a couple of coins out, bending down and passing them to Noah. "Buy some sweeties as little treat young man."

I want to interfere and tell her she doesn't have to, but the way Noah looks up at her with adoration shining in his eyes silences me.

"What do you say Noah?" I look down at him, gesturing to the kind lady.

"Thank you!" He beams, probably overly delighted by the idea of being able to buy whatever he wants with his money.

"Thank you, so much" My words are sincere- it's not often someone does something that kind to Noah, even though he deserves the world. And I can't express how badly I want to give it to him.

"It's no problem dear." She looks me in the eyes with an empathetic look and I have to choke back my emotions. For a second it feels as if she knows what I'm going through before I mentally curse myself for sounding so stupid. How could a stranger even know what's really happening?