Heartbeat

29| Closure

The night wind whisked my hair away from my face as Nathaniel and I walked through the streets of LA.

If I said that I wasn't feeling sad about this moment, I would be lying. There were just too many memories that happened here.

I remember Nathaniel making a silly excuse to hold my hand and despite that, I'd let him. He would make a stupid joke along the way and I'd grin because of how bad it was.

Back then you'd find us stuck to each other, arms intertwined but now there was distance and silence. The sounds you would only hear were the wind and other people walking and talking.

I could tell that Nathaniel wanted to say something, maybe crack a joke or talk about work but we both knew the atmosphere between us just wasn't right. Thankfully, we arrived at my favourite dim-sum place.

As we stood in front of the entrance, I heard Nathaniel say, "It's poetic how we had a heart to heart talk here last time and here we are again doing the same."

"Or maybe you're just reading into it too much and we're just here because I just want to stuff my face with shrimp wontons," I managed to humour making Nathaniel let out a faint chuckle.

"Alright, if your stomach is talking, let's get inside then," he said and I found myself grinning at his reply as we both got in.

I did the usual, sat down and ordered food with the mandarin I knew so we could get extra food. The food didn't take long to arrive and we resorted to eating rather than talking.

It didn't help that there were barely any people in the restaurant. All I could hear was the workers speaking in Mandarin making my soul die a little inside knowing that I'm Chinese and can't understand a word they're saying.

The food tasted the same and I should be enjoying it but I just felt tense and I knew exactly why. We needed to talk and avoiding that just made things feel heavier.

I immediately stabbed my chopsticks onto an untouched dumpling making Nathaniel stop eating and say, "My word, what did that dumpling ever do to you?"

"Listen up Nathaniel Cardinal, I have no time for your wise cracks," I said as I grabbed his chopsticks from him and stabbed them onto a dumpling as well.

"You have a lot of explaining and I need you to do that because I can't enjoy my food when all I want is to punch your pretty face," I said as I levelled my gaze with his.

"Heh, you think I have a pretty face," he joked but I wasn't up for anything funny at the moment so I said, "Nathaniel!"

"Sorry, sorry, I was trying to diffuse the situation with it but I guess that didn't work," he reasoned as he struggled to keep eye contact with me.

I gritted my teeth while he heaved out a deep sigh. I could see his fingers slightly twitch as he finally met my eyes. He subconsciously touches his neck with his hand and slowly rests the same hand on his chest afterwards.

He finally said, "Alex, I just want to say that I'm sorry that I hurt you because....."

I felt anger rise in me as he struggled to give a reason making me say, "Because of what? Why did you do it?"

He clutched his chest with his hand and said, "Because.....I didn't know what I wanted and I'm sorry if I got you mixed up on my life crises."

I nodded to gesture him to go on. "I thought that maybe dating you would fill up a part of my life that became empty when I left the UK," he said softly as he struggled to maintain eye contact.

"There's a lot of things I left out actually, regarding my life," he said and I laughed wryly and said, "Yes you did."

"Avery has actually been a significant part of my life," he explained, "She was my rock when I was dealing with Amelia being sick and she was the one holding me together when Amelia died."