My Alpha ~ Levi x Reader

Chapter 90: Drowning

My eyes felt warmer and warmer as each second passes by, a warning of the upcoming tears this person continuously made me shed.

"Why?" I whispered out, keeping my words short and to the point to avoid triggering my fragile emotions.

Levi slowly shook his head, tearing his gaze away from mine as he avoided eye contact. "I let it get the better of me."

My silence let Levi continue.

"I didn't know what to do," he said, his voice noticeably cracking. "So I blindly followed his words without thinking how it would make you feel."

The raven clenched his jaw, a hand darting out to cover his eyes. "I was so desperate for a solution that I just did what he said."

Levi's voice cracked more and more as his mighty walls of emotional barrier began to tumble down, one by one. "It was such a stupid, selfish, ignorant and foolish thing for me to do! I-.. I have no hopes that you will forgive me but—"

He slowly removed the hand from his eyes and faced me directly, while carefully setting both his hands on my shoulders, granting me the permission to see something I believe he'd kept fiercely from the world and all its inhabitants: his vulnerable side.

A silent gasp escaped me once I noticed his usually cold and mocking steel blue eyes clouded and swirling with emotions I've never seen before, tears falling down in steady drips. Levi's hands were trembling on my shoulders, I noticed, when he tightened his grip by the slightest.

He bowed his head, breaking eye contact as he shakily whispered to me, "I am so sorry..! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, (Y/N)! I'm sorry for ignoring you! I'm sorry for blocking you! I'm so sorry for... unfairly pushing you out of my life! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

My mind was in turmoil. I had expected my heart to be broken differently. There was no doubt that even after listening to Levi's conversation with Kenny, a part of me still thought and firmly believed that the way Levi would "apologize" was by merely giving an explanation while bearing ice cold eyes and a stoic face.

I did not, however, prepare myself to have to stand here and watch one of the most proudest — and emotionally closed off — person I've ever met in my life sob and weep his eyes out while repeatedly crying out sorry. And for that reason alone, my own tears slipped down and out my face, completely disregarding my will.

I was torn apart. What should I do? Should I forgive him now and tell him it's okay? I can't stand seeing him so hurt like this.

But... your actions hurt me so much as well. Would it be fair upon myself to ignore my own pain and suffering so yours could end quicker? Would I be selfish I didn't do that? But doesn't that make you selfish for doing all those things to me?

I thought too long.

Levi sniffed once, and continued in a small and pathetic voice. "I... understand if you could never forgive me. I only want you to know... that I am sorry, and I regret everything I've done."

I knew that was impossible. As much as I hate to admit it, I could never not forgive you, Levi.

But I didn't want him to know just yet.

I briefly closed my eyes to stop the tears coming down, inhaling deeply as I forced to speak out in the steadiest tone I could muster up. "Levi... I heard the recording."

"....I know."

"You said something.... that I didn't understand."

Levi remained silent, his head still held low as I continued. "You said to Kenny, even after he stayed away from the person he loved, it still managed to get to him."