Before The Bad - Volume I

~ twenty-three ~

"We can't. Not today, baby."

He gently kisses my forehead, offering me his award-winning smile. Hell, I can't be mad at him. If anything, I love him even more for wanting to wait. My eyes flutter, growing tired, and as if he was given instruction, Jaxon rolls into the bed beside me and hurls myself into his embrace.

We stay like this for awhile, holding each other as we watch the serene sun setting over the city. He is my safe place; my home. I kiss him, a wish that he knows how much he means to me, and hope that I mean just as much to him, too.

...............

A shirtless Jaxon saunders back into my room a few minutes later, tossing his phone next to where I lay on my bed and starts to slip on his jeans. He looks up at me apologetically, "Dad needs me downtown. I'll be back by ten though, alright?"

I glance at the alarm clock on my nightstand and see that it's just a little after eight. I can survive a few hours without him, can't I? I nod, but I can't stop the frown forming on my swollen lips. He sighs and steps towards the bed, fully dressed. Cradling my head in his hands, he smiles.

"I'll be back before you know it."

I nod again.

"I love you," he says softly, placing a gentle kiss upon my lips.

"I love you, too."

"You stay in this warm bed of yours. I'll let myself out."

As soon as he speaks, he's gone, disappearing into the darkness of the hallway. I wait until I hear the front door close before I let my heavy eyes flutter shut, breathing in a shaky breath.

For the first time in a long time, I finally feel okay. But then again, I'm always okay when Jaxon is around. It's when I'm without him that I begin to spiral. That fact scares me.

After a decent hour of attempting to rest, I finally drift into a light sleep, only to be shaken awake by the doorbell. I peak over at the time and recognize that it's only 9:30. Jaxon's early.

I smile and hop out of bed, throwing on his dirty tshirt and a pair of shorts before bolting down the stairs. It's when I enter the foyer that I remember Jaxon always knocks. Not only that, but he'd text me, too. I shake it off after concluding that I happen to be overthinking and pull open the door.

A pale, yet young face fills my view and my stomach quite literally falls to the floor. Wearing a grey crew neck and new denim jeans, my father still looks the worst I'd ever seen him.

His eyes don't hold the bright, electrifying blue they had once prior to that horrific night. They are a dull indigo, lacking much behind them. Somehow, I figured this day would come, but I never knew when; that was the scariest part. Now, it's here like a fresh slap to the face and I have no idea what to do.

My fist tightens around the brass doorknob and I suddenly remember the metal baseball bat just inches away from me that was specifically meant for this moment. And I can't even force myself to reach for it when I truly need it the most.

"Stella," Ryan's gruff voice says in relief, his lips forming a soft curve.

I can't do anything but stare. What is he doing here? Suddenly, I snap back into reality. I feel myself beginning to shake and in true fear, slam the door closed. Only, it stops, and it kicks in that my father would never let me get away that easily. I swing it back open, blocking the entry with my lean body.

"Stella, just let me..."

"L-leave," I stammer, tears pooling behind my eyelids. Ryan almost seems confused by my reaction and that upsets me even more. When he doesn't reply, I repeat my plea.

"Get out."

"You look just like your mother," he continues, his face set in a deep frown. I freeze. He takes a step closer, just feet from me now. "My, are you ever beautiful, Stell."

My lip quivers.

I look up at this pathetic man who biologically is my father, seeing full hurt in his sunken features. He must be in his late 30's now—I really could care less. I hate him. He fucked me up and now he appears, begging for forgiveness? I'm too far gone now for any repairs.

"I...hate you," my voice breaks, making me sound more upset than angry.

He approaches again, forcing me to back into the hallway. It's only now when I register the cold winter wind brushing my skin. I ignore it. "You don't mean that..."

The bat begins to become more and more appealing. I keep silent, continuing to near the tall plant that camouflages my weapon. I allow him to keep talking as fear and anxiety fills my chilled bloodstream.

"I've changed, Stella. I'm a new man. Please just...just let me show you and your momma that."

It's a quick movement, but the bat is in my hands as soon as he finishes his defence and almost immediately, he begins to retreat.

"Leave," I whimper, tears flooding down my cheeks at a rapid rate. When he doesn't budge, I shuffle closer, resting the bat defensively on my shoulder. "I said go!"

Once Ryan is well on the porch, I force the door shut and deadbolt the lock, dropping my bat in surrender. The crucifying sound of the metal clashing with the hardwood causes my ears to ring. I continue to stare at the door.

My chest rises and falls aggressively, to the point where I'm honestly convinced I might drop at any given moment. No, I want to drop.

My fathers ongoing shouts and knocks are drowned out by my hardworking mind as I bring myself to climb the carpeted staircase. My feet take control, leading me to the bathroom outside of my bedroom. The ice tile floor doesn't even register with my body. The opening of the cabinet above the toilet is an instinct.

And suddenly, the untouched bottle of Advil appears more appealing than it ever has before.