Fine China h.s.

huit

"You're optimistic that way," I decided.

"I'd call it hope."

How do you find hope while tangled in the vines of neglect? Of abandon? Of broken promise?

"Anticipation for greatness," I equated to his phrase.

"Not just anticipation. The fight for it. Hope is nothing without a force behind it, or else all hope would be is simply liking the idea of something. Hope has fuel, a sense of resilience."

"Hope can be deceiving. People's hopes can't always align. They clash. When people don't live up to other people's hopes, those people get hurt and have to seek out different resources to make up for it."

I bet Matt hoped for a different wife. One that was enough and could always sufficiently love him and make him happy. I couldn't. I failed him no matter how much he tried. So he sought out the secretary.

"Wanting something is different from hoping for it though."

"What do you mean?"

"A want is nothing but a desire. Having hope to me means your standards are higher than accepting a situation ending in atrocity. Hopes are beliefs. You can hope for something, or in other words believe it can actually happen."

He resumed his thoughts shortly after taking a breather. "Things can't always go as we want them to. People betray other people. They hurt other people. You don't so much hope that a field of flowers won't ever get trampled—you hope that it will always stay intact and effervescent. If it does get trampled, you don't have to lose hope, because maybe it'll get replanted. If you live life with no anticipation for anything but dread or a residence in the dark, you'll always stay there."

"Assumptions are deadly though."

I lost hope as the count of Matt's clandestine meetings with the secretary surpassed the ability to be recorded with my ten fingers. I stopped assuming we had a chance anymore. That he would love me again.

"Assuming you can be happy is different then hoping you will. Hoping for it opens you up to the idea of it, therefore welcoming it into your life. Assumptions can create disappointment if you assume life won't be anything but peachy. You can't just assume to not be hurt, or to be hurt and bounce back automatically. You need hope to get through those tough parts, or else you're really just closed off from the idea of healing all together, and if that's the case, how do you heal?"

I wasn't sure if what Harry had just said remotely made sense, but I knew what he meant.

What if I didn't want to heal? If I knew healing meant leaving behind all I had in life—or once had, why would I want to do it? I might be alone in every single aspect except physically, but at least I had that to latch onto when Matt was at the house.

I didn't deserve to heal. I was the one who fell short on our promise first. Matt wouldn't resort to another woman's embrace if I stopped being a good enough wife. I wasn't the hurt one.

But maybe Harry was right. If I really did change and was who Matt had once known, maybe he'd love me again and leave the secretary. If I hoped our marriage could be what it once was, maybe I could repair it. Repair me. Repair us.

Maybe that's where I went wrong, when I gave up on our relationship.

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