All She Can Take

N I N E T E E N

Sid carefully folded the notice and placed it on the coffee table. Her shoulder ached. Her ankle throbbed. The lump on her head itched beneath the bandage. She was bruised and broken and..tired. The exhaustion of trying to keep it all together settled around her body like a straight jacket. The more she fought and struggled against everything the tighter it seemed to get. The bills got worse. Her job situation got worse. Her relationship...She felt that nagging feeling again that somewhere in a parallel universe another version of herself was living the life that was meant to be hers. The life where she and Aiden were still together. Where she didn't get pregnant in college but instead AJ came during a time when both Aiden and Sid's careers were thriving and they were able to usher him into a life of stability, privilege, and promise.

Not this shit. Not this mess of a life she struggled to create. That made it so much worse. This...this was her trying. This was her really making a go of it and it was the best she could do. This was all she could do. If this was it...

The purse slipped from her shoulder again and bounced slightly on the couch before toppling onto the floor. The contents lay scattered across the carpet. Her broken and out of service cell phone. Her discharge papers. The family-sized bottle of Tylenol Tomi got her from CVS under doctors orders. The incessant throbbing at her shoulders and ankle reminded her that she should probably take those. She grabbed the pills and went into the kitchen. After filling a glass with water she shook out two pills and swallowed them down.

Take as needed for pain every 6 hours.

She took a sip of water. She felt like she was still hurting all over. Physically and emotionally. Her thoughts tormented her. The reality of that notice on that table and what it meant rocked her. As hard as she tried to hold on every day, every moment of the past few years... she'd failed and it was likely she'd be on the street with her child because of it.

Sid sat, her hip resting on the window sill, and opened the pill bottle again. She slid another chalky pill into her mouth and took a sip of water. She needed help to keep her place. Tomi had just given her a job and slipped a few bills in her palm with no strings attached. She wouldn't dare ask her. Her mother was good for it, but completely out of the question. Her help would come in the form of a lecture that would no doubt end in her offering for her and AJ to move into one of the many rooms in her gaudy house. She could not. Would not. She wished her dad were here. He should be here. Then most of this would never have happened. It was painfully unfair. Her breathing was starting that shaky descendant into madness and Sid tried to keep her anxiety attack at bay. But it was no use. The thud. The scream. Her father's hat abandoned on the platform.

She shook another white tablet from the bottle. Her hand trembled as she popped it in her mouth. The failure that was all around her. Those perfect grades her dad always wanted? She got those. College? She was at the top of her class all four years. And she was in love. So in love with her high school sweetheart. Her best friend since kindergarten. That beautiful brown boy that her father teased her and told her she would grow up to marry. Well, they weren't and Sid knew Aiden held most of the blame. All of it...almost. But on those days when she teetered on the edge of being honest with herself, she suspected it had to be something about her. Something that told him it was okay to break her heart. She really wasn't able to pinpoint what was wrong with her but she knew it had to be something. And she hated herself for allowing that broken part of her to peek through enough for him to see it. When you hold everything else constant the truth came out.

Sid didn't imagine life would be like this but if it was...she didn't want to do this. Just didn't have it in her. There was nothing left. Absolutely not have another year, let alone another decade, of toughing it out left in her. She twisted off the cap to the Tylenol bottle and this time threw it to the side. The pills all tumbled into her hand with a tilt of the bottle. She was excited and she felt bad for that. Her mother would be pissed with her but what was new? Her sister would have a rough time but she was strong. Tomi believed in reincarnation and would look for her in butterflies and dogs for years to come.